FISHING

Written by Paul Kenny

Cover Design by Mick Marston www.thefutilevignette.com

This work is created under a ‘Creative Commons Attribution Non Commercial No Derivatives 3.0’ license. This means you are free to download this work and share with others as long as the author is fully credited, and that the work is not changed in any way or used for commercial purposes. For more information visit: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/

Also available as a radio play at http://www.cornucopia-radio.co.uk/podcast-14-fishing

Published by Cornucopia Radio

www.cornucopia-radio.co.uk

SCENE 1

WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A TELEPHONE RINGING AND BED CLOTHES RUSTLING.

PHIL: (CONCERNED) Hello? (PAUSE) When? (PAUSE) Yeah-Yeah. (PAUSE) Ok Katherine. (PAUSE) Ok. I’ll ring you when I get to Sheffield.

SHEILA: (CONCERNED) Your Dad?

PHIL JUMPS OUT OF BED

PHIL: He’s coughing up blood.

HE EXITS THE ROOM

SHELIA: (AFTER HIM) Have they taken him in?

PHIL: (OFF) She’s called an ambulance.

SCENE 2

STILL IN THE BEDROOM, SHELIA PACKS PHIL AN OVERNIGHT BAG AS HE FORCES DOWN A PIECE OF TOAST.

PHIL: Will you ring the office for me? Let Susan know what’s happening? She has my diary. Tell her I’ll leave my mobile on for emergencies.

SHELIA: (IGNORES THIS) Drive carefully. You had the lion’s share of the wine last night.

PHIL GIVES HER A QUICK KISS.

PHIL: Don’t worry. I’ll give you a call when I get there.

SHELIA: Give him my love. (WITH AFFECTION) The old bugger.

SCENE 3

BUSY HOSPITAL WARD.

PHIL: How is he?

HE GIVES KATH A QUICK KISS.

KATH: He’s behind there, terrorising the Doctor. I was just off to get us some tea. Fancy one?

PHIL: I could murder one Kath, thanks.

KATH DEPARTS AND PHIL PULLS BACK THE SCREEN TO FIND THE DOCTOR GOING ABOUT HER BUSINESS.

FRANK: Jesus. What’s that, a bloody knitting needle?

HE CATCHES SIGHT OF PHIL

FRANK: Oh for Christ’s sake. I told her not to ring you.

PHIL: (SARCASTICALLY) It’s good to see you too Dad.

FRANK: I must be at death’s door if he’s here.

DOCTOR: You need to get used to the idea that you’ll be in here for a couple of days Mr Barton. We need to get that blood count up a bit if we can.

FRANK: A couple of days? But I’ve got Carol Voderman picking me up at eight tonight to take me to The Duke. There’s a sixties turn on and Bingo, then it’s back to her place for coffee and rampant sex.

PHIL: (TO DOCTOR) How is he?

FRANK: (TO PHIL) Don’t you go keeping her. (TO DOCTOR) You’ve got to be at school for nine haven’t you love?  Do your mum and dad know you play with those needles?

PHIL: (EMBARRASSED) Dad!

DOCTOR: We’ll do some more blood tests later today. In the meantime try and rest.

THE DOCTOR COLLECTS UP HER THINGS AND PULLS BACK THE SCREENS BEFORE DEPARTING.

PHIL: So how are you feeling?

FRANK: I’ve felt better. How are Sheila and the kiddies?

PHIL: They’re fine. Sheila sends her love.

FRANK: Been having a bit of rain haven’t you?

PHIL: Yeah, the next village up was flooded for a couple of days.  Kids couldn’t get to school.

A STRAINED SILENCE BEFORE KATH RETURNS WITH TEAS WHICH SHE HANDS OUT.

KATH: Not the best tea you’ll ever drink but better than nothing.

FRANK TAKES A SIP OF THE DRINK.

FRANK: It’s like cat’s pee.

KATH: (SARCASTICALLY) You’re welcome.

FRANK: Haven’t had a decent cup of tea since your mother died.

RESPECTFUL SILENCE EXCEPT FOR THE SIPPING OF TEA.

SCENE 4

A BUSY HOSPITAL CANTEEN.

KATH: They’re suggesting he goes in the St-Augustine’s hospice.

PHIL: (SURPRISED) A Hospice?

KATH: Don’t worry, it’s not going to cost you anything. (PAUSE). Sorry. They’re worried about him going home, being on his own.

PHIL: He’s not on his own though is he? You’re only round the corner from him...

KATH: I’m no nurse Philip. I can’t look after him like they can in those places. I can’t see to his medication and that.

PHIL: I thought they had community nurses for all of that?

KATH: He’s going down-hill fast Philip. He’s going to need constant care. I can’t cope with all that on my own. The lifting. The waiting for him to...

SHE BREAKS DOWN.

PHIL: It’s OK Kath. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it for granted that you’d look after him. Sorry.

KATH: (TEARFULLY) It’s ok for you Phil. You can come and go as you please. I’m stuck with it day-in day-out...

PHIL: What?

KATH: He was rushed in three weeks ago.

PHIL: (SURPRISED) Why didn’t you call me?

KATH: The daft bugger knows you’re busy.  Said he didn’t want to worry you. Made me promise.

PHIL: I don’t believe it, my own Father.

KATH: Perhaps if you rang more often.

PHIL: (DEFENSIVELY) You know Kath. I don’t choose to be so busy. I’m working on a huge project at the moment. I know it’s all relative but I’ve got so many people depending on me. If I get my sums wrong on this one then two thousand people lose their jobs. Everybody’s under the cosh at the moment.

KATH: (WARMLY) I know love. He does too. (PAUSE) He loves you, you know.  Thinks the world of you, always has done.  The silly old sod just doesn’t know how to show it, that’s all.

PHIL: I love him too.

KATH: I know you do Phil. But you’re going to have to start showing it. Like I said he’s not going to be around for much longer.

PHIL: I know. And I appreciate it can’t be easy for you Kath. He’s a demanding bastard at the best of times eh?

KATH BLOWS HER NOSE.

KATH: Aye, he is. Let’s go and see if he’s awake.

SCENE 5

BACK ON THE WARD AND FRANK IS DRIFTING IN AND OUT OF CONCIOUSNESS AS PHIL AND KATH RETURN FROM THE CANTEEN.

PHIL: (QUIETLY) God he looks old.

KATH: He looked so frightened Philip. (PAUSE) I’ve never seen that look on his face before. Insisted on walking to the ambulance. Wouldn’t be carried.

PHIL: Jesus. What’s he like, eh?

FRANK: I can hear you both you know. I might be on my way out but I’m not bloody deaf. Just resting my eyes.

PHIL: I.. er we got you this from the shop. Thought you might fancy a read if you’re going to be in for a couple of days.

HE HANDS FRANK A BOOK AND FRANK SCANS THE SYNOPSIS ON THE BACK.

FRANK: Looks good son, thanks.

PHIL: Wasn’t sure if you’d read it.

FRANK: I’ve read a similar one about a bloke who builds his own plane and tries to fly around the world. Crash lands in Russia, falls for a local lass and the two of them fix the plane and complete the journey together.

PHIL: There can’t be much left to do these days.

FRANK: Nah.

HE WHINCES AND STRUGGLES TO GET COMFORTABLE.

FRANK: Not for me there isn’t.

KATH: (IGNORING THIS) Take your time Dad, you know you’ve only to ask.

KATH JUMPS TO HER FEET AND BEGINS TO RE–ARRANGE PILLOWS IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE HER FATHER COMFORTABLE.

FRANK: Bloody right carry on is this. Where’s the dignity in this eh? I just wish they’d leave me a big bottle of those Smarties they’re giving me. I’d be no trouble to anyone then. Let the next poor bleeder have the bed.

PHIL: (QUICKLY CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Anyway. What do you want to be doing crash-landing half way across the world? I bet you can’t get a decent pint of bitter in Russia; you’d go mad in a couple of days.

FRANK: Still, I’d be alright for a shot of Vodka. (REFLECTIVE) I keep having this recurring dream about when me and the lads used to fish the River Witham in the Fifties. On a good day you might even hit a Tench or two before a belly-full at the Royal in Tattershall. (PAUSE) I don’t know if it’s the drugs or what, but it’s so vivid. I can feel the tension on the line, smell the fish slime on my hands and the froth of the beer. Kingston’s it was. One of the only places you could get it. Probably don’t make it anymore.

HE PAUSES TO REFLECT.

FRANK: But then I wake up and I’m here, with everything a memory whilst I wait to..

FRANK BREAKS OFF AND LETS THE SILENCE COMPLETE HIS SENTENCE FOR HIM.

PHIL: It’s a Bank Holiday in a couple of weeks. If the weather’s half decent I could take you to one of your old haunts if you feel up to it? I could set you up and work on my Laptop from the car whilst you do a couple of hours fishing. Might even get the chance to buy you a quick pint?

FRANK: (DISMISSIVE) On a Bank Holiday? Nah, the roads would be too busy. It wouldn’t be worth it.

PHIL: (FRUSTRATED) Well don’t say I didn’t offer.

KATH: (DESPERATE) Go for it Dad, it would be nice for you two to spend a bit of time together. You’ve still got your stuff haven’t you?

FRANK: I’ve still got my tackle if that’s what you mean. That’s if those bloody smack heads haven’t raided my shed whilst I’ve been in here.

PHIL: I’ll set off early so I can pick up your tackle and some bait before I.. er...

FRANK: Pick me up from the Hospice? I’m not daft. I know I’m not going home from here. (TO KATH) I’ll sort him some petrol out.

PHIL: I don’t want your money, it’s...

HE TRAILS OFF AGAIN AS AN AUXILIARY APPROACHES, QUICKLY CHANGES FRANK’S WATER JUG AND THEN LEAVES.

KATH: (TO AUXILIARY) Thanks love.

FRANK: It’s like Heathrow bloody Airport in here.

PHIL: Busy?

FRANK: Nah. Full of bloody foreigners.

PHIL: (SADLY) Jesus, Dad do you have to?

FRANK: (UNDETERRED) I tell you, you’ll need a bleeding Passport to get in these places soon.

PHIL: (ANGRY) What difference does it make where someone comes from for Christ’s sake? These foreigners have been up all night looking after you.

FRANK: There’s this one Doctor, can’t understand a word he’s saying.

PHIL: Have you heard yourself speak?

FRANK: Doubt he even knows what I’m in for...

PHIL: (VERY ANGRY) Look! I’m not sitting here listening to this. In a few weeks time when you’re screaming in pain, I’ll tell them you don’t want a foreign Doctor to help you. We’ll soon see...

KATH: STOP IT!!

SILENCE

KATH:  (CALMER) That’s enough.

SCENE 6

PHIL AND KATH ARE SAYING THEIR GOODBYES AT THE HOSPITAL ENTRANCE. THEIR DIALOGUE PEPPERED WITH SIRENS.

KATH: You sure you have to get straight off? You look tired.

PHIL: I’d best get back Kath. I’ve got an early start in the morning and I’m playing catch-up as it is.

HE GIVES HER A QUICK KISS.

PHIL: Let me know when they move him to the Hospice. I’ll talk to Shelia and call in for the keys if he’s well enough on Bank Holiday.

KATH: (SURPRISED) You’ll still take him?

PHIL: For your sake Kath.

KATH: Phillip.

PHIL: What?

KATH: Do it for his sake, not mine. (PAUSE) And yours.

SCENE 7

HOSPICE WARD. NURSE BENTLEY IS SEEING OFF FRANK AND PHIL IN THE RECEPTION AREA.

NURSE BENTLEY: So boys, are we all set for our little adventure then? (TO PHIL) I’ve had a word with the Doctor and provided he doesn’t tire himself out, he should be fine. He’s had his medication and this should see him through to bedtime.

FRANK: When I get my favourite bedtime story and if I’m really good, a cup of Cocoa.

NURSE BENTLEY: Oh I am sorry Mr Barton. I’m talking as if you’re not here aren’t I now?

FRANK: Well not to worry love, I won’t be for much longer. Then you can talk about me to your little heart’s content.

PHIL: Dad!

FRANK: I suppose you don’t like to get too attached to the patients eh? I bet it’s a bugger at Christmas time. What do you do, leave it until the last minute to write your cards out or do you do it in pencil in case they pop-off in the night?

NURSE BENTLEY: Now-now Mr Barton. There’s no need to be getting all morbid in front of your son now is there?

FRANK: (SARCASTIC) Oh I am sorry. Was I being morbid? What am I like eh? No thought for anyone else, that’s me. Still, chin up eh? Mustn’t grumble and all that. Not with me having some much to be thankful for.

PHIL: Dad. Let’s...

FRANK: I mean here’s me, with a good four weeks to live, getting all morbid.  I don’t know.

PHIL: Let’s get going Dad. It’s your time.

FRANK: Precisely.

SCENE 8

INSIDE THE STATIONARY CAR WE HEAR THE OCCASIONAL SOUND OF HORNS.

PHIL: Sorry Dad. I thought this route would have been quieter since they opened the new by-pass at Easter.

FRANK: Aye, you and forty thousand others.

PHIL: It might clear after we pass the motorway junction. Most of this lot will be heading for the coast.

FRANK: It’s ok son. At least I got out of that place for a while. (PAUSE) It’s time you see. Suddenly it’s so precious. Drives you mad. You always know life is time-limited but you never really appreciate it until you’re given a date and you know for sure. Suddenly everyday becomes precious. You can almost hear the seconds counting down. Last week our Kath took me for some shoes and they were the first thing I’d bought in my life that I knew would outlast me. I’ve found myself looking at things around me and wondering if I’ll outlive them, the flowers in the garden or even programmes on the telly...

HE PUTS ON THE VOICE OF A TV PRESENTER

FRANK: A new six part series on the world’s greatest civilisations...

BACK TO HIS OWN VOICE.

FRANK: ...and you suddenly realise you won’t catch the last episode. The worst had to be the other day when found myself staring at a half bottle of Ketchup on the table. (PAUSE) I know there’s nothing I can do about it, but I hate the sense that my life’s already over. I’ve no say in it anymore. Can’t even end my days in my own home, watch what I want on telly, eat when I want, fart when I want for Christ’s sake. You’ve seen how they treat you in that place. Like bleeding kids just because you’re dying.

HE WINCES IN PAIN

PHIL: (CONCERNED) Steady Dad.

FRANK: I’m OK. (PAUSE) Philip?

PHIL: What is it Dad?

FRANK: I could stay out longer.

PHIL: I know but the roads, we’d never...

FRANK: No. I mean I’ve been storing tablets. (PAUSE) For the end.

PHIL: Your medication?

FRANK: Aye. For the ultimate rainy day. I spit one out now and again when I can stand the pain. I’ve got a tidy pile of smarties in my bedside cabinet. Gives me a sense of being in control and it’s nice not being off my head all the time?

PHIL: I don’t know what to say Dad.

FRANK: I’m just saying. I could stay out longer. If I got the chance to get out of there again. Wouldn’t have to be dictated by the Doctors and Nurse Eva.

PHIL: I better get you back Dad.

SCENE 9

ON HIS RETURN HOME, SHEILA IS BUSY OPENING AND SHUTTING CUPBOARDS AS SHE FUSSES PHIL.

SHEILA: Do you fancy a Quorn Curry? It won’t take me long.

PHIL: What have the kids had?

SHEILA: Oh the usual rubbish. Fish Fingers, chips and beans.

PHIL: Is there any left? I fancy something basic.

SHEILA: (PLAYFULLY) Fish Fingers and chips eh? You’ve been spending too much time with your Dad. Is this what they mean by going back to your roots?

PHIL: (SADLY) I don’t know him Sheila. The man’s dying and I don’t know him. We’ve nothing in common.

SHEILA LISTENS AS SHE PREPARES THE TABLE, PLACING A KNIFE AND FORK AND CONDIMENTS IN FRONT OF PHIL.

PHIL: He’s a stranger to me. (PAUSE) Is this all the Ketchup?

SHEILA: It’s all there is I’m afraid. You might just squeeze the last few drops out if you’re patient.

PHIL JUMPS TO HIS FEET.

PHIL: You’ll have to bear with me on this Sheila.

SHEILA: (CONFUSED) What?

PHIL EXITS.

KATH: (AFTER HIM) What about your dinner?

PHIL: (OFF) I’ve got some arrangements to make.

SCENE 10

WE HEAR THE WHEELS OF FRANK’S CHAIR BEING PUSHED ACRROS THE GRAVEL CAR PARK.

PHIL: Ta da!

FRANK: (UNIMPRESSED) It’s a barge.

PHIL: It’s a Narrow Boat Dad. Our home and fishing base for the next week.

FRANK: (CONFUSED) What?

PHIL: You did pack all of your Smarties like I said?

FRANK: Aye. (EXCITED) A bloody week in my own floating Hospice!

SCENE 11

INSIDE THE BOAT FRANK IS BUSY UNFOLDING A MAP ON THE TABLE.

PHIL: So, what’s the crack then Captain?

FRANK: I reckon we head up the Fossdyke Navigation, then onto the River Witham to Tattershall. (PAUSE) Where there’s a huge Tench with my name on it and a couple of pints of Kingston’s waiting for me.

HE FOLDS UP THE MAP.

FRANK: Planning kid. That’s what it’s all about. None of the great adventurers would have done it without planning.

PHIL: You can say that again Dad.

SCENE 12

FROM INSIDE THE BOAT WE HEAR THE SOUND OF HEAVY RAIN ON THE ROOF. FRANK IS LISTENING TO THE RADIO AS PHIL TAPS AWAY ON HIS LAPTOP.

FRANK: I don’t suppose you have Unions in your game?

PHIL: Sorry?

FRANK: I take it you’re not in a Union?

PHIL: No Dad.

FRANK: Well it can’t be right having to work at this time when we’re supposed to be spending some time together.

PHIL: (DEFENSIVELY) Well given that I walked out on a big account at short notice to kidnap you from Eva Braun, I don’t think I’d have much of a case even if I was.

FRANK: I was in a Union every working day of my life.

PHIL: And a fat lot of good that did you eh?

FRANK: Well none of us could have imagined what Thatcher was going to do to us could we?

PHIL STOPS TYPING.

PHIL: Oh come off it Dad. It wasn’t her fault. The world changed and you and the Miners took your eyes of the ball. It was nothing to do with the Tories. We moved to a Global economy and your precious Unions sold you down the river because you refused to adapt or compromise.

FRANK: (INDIGNANT) Compromise? I didn’t see many of your lot doing sixteen hour shifts, six days a week in a steal mill with me and my mates just to stay competitive.

PHIL: Give it over Dad. You said yourself you didn’t actually work those hours. You were busy sleeping or playing cards half the time.

FRANK: Look. How much would you and your lot want for being in that environment all day eh? Not for working, just for being there, up to your neck in muck and sweat. Sixteen hours a day away from your wife and kids. I never bloody saw you. How old’s your eldest now?

PHIL: Henry you mean? He’s thirteen.

FRANK: Thirteen. Well do you know something Phillip? I can’t bloody well picture you at that age. I’ve no recollection of you. I spent all those hours away from you all making sure you had a roof over your heads and food on the table and clothes on your back. You know, that’s why men carry photos of their kids in their wallets. So we don’t forget what our bleeding kids look like whilst we’re at work.

PHIL: (IN COD YORKSHIRE ACCENT) And you try telling the kids of today that!

THIS BREAKS THE TENSION.

PHIL/FRANK: And they won’t believe you!

SCENE 13

ON THE RIVERBANK WE HEAR SPLASHING AS FRANK HOOKS A LARGE FISH. PHIL IS ATTEMPTING TO CAPTURE THE MOMENT ON HIS DIGITAL CAMERA.

PHIL: Hold it up Dad, for the camera. What we got, a Chub ?

FRANK: Chub? Are you blind as well as daft? This here’s a Carp. A good six pounder if I’m not mistaken. And turn that bloody thing off and pick up your rod. (DISMISSIVELY) Chub!

SCENE 14

ACCOUSTIC: WE HEAR RAIN ON THE ROOF AS FRANK TURNS THE PAGES OF A TABLOID. WE HEAR PHIL REMOVE SOMETHING FROM A CARRIER BAG.

PHIL: I got you these.

HE PLACES A FOUR PACK OF BEER ON THE TABLE.

PHIL: They’re the posh ones, with the widgets in the bottom. You’ll have to drink them out of the can though, there aren’t any pint glasses on board I’m afraid.

FRANK: Cheers son.

HE WRESTLES A CAN FREE FROM THE PLASTIC RETAINER AND OPENS IT, SPRAYING THE TABLE WITH FROTH AS HE DOES.

FRANK: It’s a bit warm. You’ll have to cool them for ten minutes to stop them doing that.

PHIL: The fridge is tiny Dad.  It was like doing a Rubik’s Cube trying to get a pint of milk and a tub of butter in there.

HE PICKS UP THE REMAINING BEERS.

PHIL: I might be able to get one in at a time.

FRANK: Nah, you’re alright son.

FRANK TAKES THE BEERS AND PLACES THEM BACK ON THE TABLE.

FRANK: They don’t taste much better cold either.  You can’t beat a proper hand-pulled pint.

HE FORCES A SIP.

FRANK: You not having one then?

PHIL: No thanks Dad, I’ve got myself a bottle of wine.

FRANK: (CONCERNED) Do you not drink beer anymore?

PHIL: Sometimes.

FRANK: Mind you, the beer’s shite down south isn’t it?

PHIL: (DEFENSIVELY) Christ Dad, I just fancied a glass of wine, that’s all. If I’d known I was going to be drinking with the Beer-Police I might not have bothered.

FRANK: I just can’t see the point of it, that’s all.

PHIL: What do you mean?

FRANK: Well, one drink and it’s gone for a start.

PHIL: You could always try sipping it. Anyway, it’s stronger than beer.

FRANK: (SURPRISED) Is it?  (PAUSE) Still a bloody woman’s drink though.

PHIL: (IMPATIENTLY) Look, do you want to go and find a pub for one?

FRANK: Nah, I’ll be fine with these.

HE TAKES ANOTHER BEGRUDING SIP OF WARM BEER.

FRANK: Well a couple of halves won’t hurt will it?  They might even sell Kingston’s around here if we’re lucky. I can’t remember when we last went for a pint together. Anyway, it would be nice to get off this bloody boat for an hour or so. It’s like a bleeding prison cell in here.

SCENE 15

STILL IN THE BOAT WE HEAR THE SOUND OF ZIPS BEING FASTENED AND THE SOUND OF RAIN ON THE ROOF.

PHIL: The chair’s on the bank, do you think you can make it ok in the wet?

FRANK: I’ll manage son.  Bloody rain’s not stopped all day has it?

PHIL: I think we better get you a decent coat if it doesn’t ease off.

FRANK: There’s nothing wrong with the one I’ve got thank you very much.  I’ve told you, everything I’ve got will see me out alright. You don’t want to go wasting your money now do you?

PHIL: It’s a bloody Donkey-Jacket Dad.  When it gets wet it takes days to dry.  You’ll catch your death...

PHIL CATCHES HIMSELF.

PHIL: I’ll get you a decent one like my gore-tex.

HE FASTENS ANOTHER ZIP AS IF TO HIGHLIGHT THE WONDER OF HIS COAT.

PHIL: It’s like water off a duck’s back.

FRANK: (TO HIMSELF) Aye, like trying to get through to you.

HE STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET.

FRANK: Bloody Gore-tex, nothing but a waste of money if you ask me.

PHIL: Steady Dad. Let me help you.

FRANK: You’ll fall for anything you will. Mallory and Scott didn’t have Gore-tex jackets when they set off up Everest did they? No, they went out in bloody tweed jackets and a shirt and tie.

PHIL: I know they did Dad. (SARCASTICALLY) But they didn’t bloody well come back in them, did they?

SCENE 16

PHIL PUSHES HIS FATHER ALONG THE TOWPATH IN THE POURING RAIN.

PHIL: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh yeah, there’s nothing like a quiet pint is there Dad?

FRANK: I thought I’d taught you better than that son.  You should never back down.

PHIL: People get fussy about where they sit in their local.  It wasn’t a big deal; there were plenty of other places to sit.  You were just being stubborn that’s all.

FRANK: You shouldn’t let people dictate to you like that, we could have easily sorted that little shite out, nothing but a snotty nosed kid anyway.

PHIL: (TIRED) I don’t know if you’ve noticed Dad, but you’re sitting in a wheelchair, riddled with cancer.

FRANK: (SARCASTICALLY) Have you ever thought of becoming one of those MacMillan Nurses?

PHIL: Look Dad...

FRANK: No you’re a natural. I’ll get Eva to put a word in for you. The hours are a bit rough but I’ve heard the money’s not bad.

PHIL: Leave it Dad, will you?

FRANK: All I’m saying is once you back down, you’ve had it.

PHIL: For God’s sake!

FRANK: I just thought I’d taught you better. That’s all. I mean we can’t show our faces in there again now can we?

PHIL: Dad!

FRANK: Not that we’d want to, but it’s the principle that matters.

PHIL: Christ Almighty, just give it a rest will you?

SILENCE

FRANK: It’ll just have to be a quiet night in with some warm beers then. (PAUSE) Hey, there’s an old chess-set in one of the cupboards. If it’s got all the pieces. We could have a game. What do you say?

PHIL IGNORES HIM AS HE PURPOSELY PUSHES HIM ALONG THE PATH.

FRANK: Working Class v Middle Class challenge?

PHIL: (INDIFFERENT) Whatever.

SCENE 17

WE HEAR THE FAMILIAR SOUND OF RAIN ON THE ROOF AS THE TWO PLAY CHESS AND SIP FROM THEIR DRINKS.

FRANK: Check.

PHIL: I thought you said you haven’t played since the army?

FRANK: Well you’re playing like you’ve never played before in your bleeding life.

PHIL: It’s been a while. It’s not easy finding someone to play with. The kids are obsessed with bloody computer games and Sheila’s always exhausted by the time they’re in bed.

FRANK: (SURPRISED) Sheila plays Chess?

PHIL: Yes. She’s quite a good player when she’s in the mood. (PAUSE) You’ve got me here Dad.

FRANK: I once tried to teach your Mother, you know, to make a change from staring at the bleeding tele’ every night.

PHIL: What happened?

FRANK: We bought a record player.

THEY LAUGH

PHIL: (WARMLY) She was amazing though, wasn’t she?

FRANK: Aye she was Philip and you know, it might sound bloody daft but I miss her more since I’ve been ill.  I know these bloody feminists go on about it but she enjoyed looking after me. She would have been marvellous to have around at a time like this with her sense of humour.  Would have been so matter of fact about it, like when she was ill. I don’t know why, but it would just have been easier if she were still around.  She would have helped me cope.

PHIL: I know what you mean.

FRANK: It’s all changed now though hasn’t it?  I wouldn’t put up with what you men deal with these days.  Coming home from work and having to cook for yourselves, doing your own ironing and all that.

PHIL: Sheila’s busy with the kids. It’s a full-time job. I wouldn’t swap with her for the world. She’s going back to work herself when Josh starts school.  Anyway, you soon learned to look after yourself didn’t you?

FRANK: I don’t know what I would have done without our Kath though, that’s for sure.

PHIL MOVES HIS PIECE OUT OF CHECK.

PHIL: Did you ever consider trying to meet someone else?

FRANK: Nah. No other woman could have replaced your mother.

PHIL: That’s not what I said though is it?  No-one would have blamed you for starting another relationship.  You were only fifty-five weren’t you?  I mean it’s not just the housekeeping is it?

FRANK: Oh I get it, you mean the sex?

PHIL: Well you must have got the urge now and again; it’s only natural isn’t it?

FRANK: What is it with this generation, eh?  You think you’ve got a bloody monopoly on it don’t you?  (SARCASTICALLY) Must have got the urge now and again.  I’ll have you know that I did alright in that department after your mother died, thank you very much.

PHIL: (SHOCKED) Yeah? You kept that quiet.

FRANK: I had to. She was married.

PHIL: Never? You dark horse, you.

FRANK: Best few years of my life in that department. (TO THE HEAVENS) No disrespect love but you were never that keen were you?

PHIL: Dad! Did I know her?

FRANK: Yes but I’m not telling you.

PHIL: (DESPERATE) Come on, I won’t tell anyone.

FRANK: Nah, I can’t. (SMUGLY) It’s a question of honour; I’ve got to protect the lasses dignity.

PHIL: Oh, come on Dad, you can’t leave it like that.

FRANK: Sorry. You could torture me but I won’t tell you.

CUT TO: THE SAME SCENE BUT SEVERAL MORE BEERS LATER.

FRANK: (SLIGHTLY SLURRING) OK, OK but you must never mention it to anyone, least of all our Kath.

PHIL: Promise.

PAUSE

FRANK: Brenda Fletcher.

PHIL: (SHOCKED) Jesus Dad, she was my Dinner Lady at school.

FRANK: Small world.

PHIL: Unbelievable.

FRANK: It certainly was.

PHIL: God, I don’t think I could ever face rhubarb and custard again.

FRANK: What are you getting at?  There was nothing sordid about it. Like you said, I’m only human.  Anyway, we respected each other and your mother too.  We didn’t go at it straight away, it just sort of developed. She used to come round to check on me. She was good to me, very generous.

PHIL: It sounds like it. How long did it go on for?

FRANK: About three years until her Old Man began to suspect something and made her stay in.  He threatened to throw her out if she didn’t. It was a bit embarrassing when he used to come round moaning about her and telling me how he suspected she was playing away. I mean, I used to go fishing with him at one stage; he used to fetch the bait.

PHIL: I don’t know, and here’s me worried about you being lonely every night.

FRANK: It wasn’t all beer and skittles on the estate you know.

PHIL: You old dark horse.

FRANK: (SMUGLY) There’s a lot you don’t know about me son.

PHIL: (WARMLY) I know Dad. I know.

SCENE 18

WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE BOAT CHUGGING ALONG AS PHIL SITS AT THE TABLE TALKING INTO HIS MOBILE PHONE.

PHIL: (INTO MOBILE) Yes, that is tax deductible but the savings you’ll make are relatively small...

FRANK: (OFF) Philip!

PHIL: (INTO MOBILE) Yes, I’ll be back at my desk on Tuesday but in the meantime, my advice would be to postpone any decision regarding any major invest...

FRANK: (OFF) Philip! Get your arse out here.

PHIL: Would you excuse me a moment Mr Roberts, I’ll ring you back in five minutes.

FRANK: (OFF) Philip!

PHIL: (INTO MOBILE) I do apologise Mr Roberts…if you could excuse me.

HE TURNS OFF THE MOBILE PHONE AND PLACES IT ON THE TABLE AS HE STANDS AND EXITS.

PHIL: (TO HIMSELF) Jesus Dad, what now?

HE OPENS THE DOOR.

PHIL: If you don’t mind Dad I was in the middle of an important...

HE STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.

PHIL: Jesus, what’s going on?

FRANK: Looks like a boat jam to me.

PHIL: Pull her up to the side, I’ll see what’s going on.

CUT TO: PHIL APPROACHES TWO ELDERLY MEN BY THE LOCK.

PHIL: What’s going on?

MAN#1: Lock’s jammed. Looks to me like one of its cogs has sheered. Been waiting for someone from the Waterways to come out and see to it since yesterday morning.  Last we heard it will be Monday at the earliest.

PHIL: (ALARMED) Monday?

MAN#1: Aye, apparently he doesn’t work weekends, something to do with the union.

PHIL: Christ, I’m on a tight schedule here.

MAN#2: Me too. If I don’t get to Southrey by tomorrow afternoon, I won’t be able to cash my pension.

FRANK: (LOW) What’s going on?

ACOUSTIC; WE HEAR FOOTSTEPS ON THE GRAVEL TOWPATH AS PHIL RETURNS TO FRANK.

PHIL: The lock’s jammed.

FRANK: (CONCERNED) Jammed?  But we’ve got to get through this one, it’s the only way to Tattershall-Bridge from here.

PHIL: Look Dad, it.... (TO HIMSELF) Oh shit, Mr Roberts.

HE DASHES BACK INTO THE BOAT.

SCENE 19

FRANK AND PHIL ARE BACK IN THE BOAT.

PHIL: Dad, we could be stuck here for days. Those things are years old, Christ knows where they get the parts from.

FRANK DOESN’T RESPOND.

PHIL: I’ve got to take you back Dad. (SADLY) We’ve got to turn back. (PAUSE) It’s over.

FRANK: No Son, we’ve only just got going. I haven’t hit that Tench yet, or had my pint at the Royal.  I’ve got to feel the pull on the line and the excitement of wondering how big it is as it breaks the surface.

PHIL: You’re running out of medication fast Dad. We won’t make it to the Royal, you’ve got about five days left, if that. It’s a four day round trip from here. You might well make it there but you’ll be in agony and you’ll never get back.  It would be crazy, irresponsible of me to try Dad.

FRANK: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) So? We could stay right where we are, just fish from here.  I know it’s not the Royal but it’s better than going back. There might even be a Tench or two around here.

PHIL: Dad! Two or three more boats and we’ll be trapped here until Monday at best.

FRANK: So let’s just go back a mile or two and fish from the..

PHIL: (ANGRY) Dad !!! (CALMER) If we don’t turn back soon, you’ll die on this boat.

FRANK: (DESPERATE) Well where the bloody hell did you think I was going to die?  In a fucking prison of a hospital with Eva Braun checking her watch because she needs the bed for some other poor bastard to die in?  I’m not going back Philip. It’s a one way ticket for me.  I thought you’d realised that. I’ll just have to cut down, that’s all.

PHIL: (SADLY) Dad, you’re in a lot of pain and I just don’t know if I can…

HE TRAILS OFF.

FRANK: What?

PHIL: I don’t know if I can cope Dad. You said yourself I’m no Macmillan Nurse.

FRANK: Give over with you. What do you mean; you don’t know if you can cope, I’ve not been that bad now have I?

PHIL: You know what I mean Dad.  Being here with you, at the end, watching you die...

FRANK: You can cope Philip. I need you to cope son. I need you to. (PAUSE) You know what this is don’t you? It’s the point of no return. Every classic adventure has a point of no return and this is ours. There has to be a point when things start getting a bit hairy and uncertain. A point when you can’t just give in and piss off home to your favourite armchair and worn-out carpet slippers. I mean, that’s what makes an adventure isn’t it, for Christ’s sake?

PHIL: What about Kath?

FRANK: What about her?

PHIL: I’m sure she’d want to be there. Aren’t you being a bit (PAUSE) selfish?

FRANK: (INDIGNANT) Selfish?  Oh excuse me, am I being all selfish? I’ll tell you what, why don’t we hire the local community centre and you and our Kath can sell tickets so that the whole sodding estate can come and watch me peg it. I imagine that you two will want to reserve front row seats.

PHIL: Dad...

FRANK: No, thinking about it, it’s not a bad idea.  We could have a raffle and book a singer, might even make a few bob; cover the funeral expenses.

PHIL: You know what I mean Dad. I’m an accountant for Christ’s sake. I’m just not cut out for this.

FRANK: So much for my one last stand eh?

PHIL: I’m sorry Dad, things change. I can’t just sit around here waiting indefinitely. I’ve got Sheila and the kids to think about, I’ve got a responsible job, I’ve got people relying on me and...

FRANK: (DESPERATELY) And I’ve got cancer Philip! I’m dying for Christ’s sake!

PHIL: I know Dad but it’s not my fault.  None of this is my fault. (PAUSE) I’m sorry if I’ve let you down.

FRANK: You get used to it Son.

PHIL: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

FRANK: (SARCASTICALLY) You’ll be alright though won’t you?  I mean you must have got enough points in the bank by now.

PHIL: (CONFUSED) What the hell are you talking about?

FRANK: Well come on Son. Let’s face it; this wasn’t for me now was it?

PHIL: Well who the hell was it for then you ungrateful old sod? Jesus, if you knew what I’d been through for this little boat trip of yours.

FRANK: This isn’t a boat trip Philip, it’s a guilt trip. Your guilt trip! Just so you can look that shower of a shit of a family in the eye when you’re sticking me in the ground. Those bastards we haven’t seen since we buried your mother. Still, you’ve got to impress them now haven’t you?  Don’t want them talking behind your back do we?

ASSUMES SILLY VOICE TO REPRESENT FAMILY MEMBER.

FRANK: Wasn’t it nice of our Philip to take his father on that trip?  Smashing lad he is, he’s an accountant you know, done ever so well for himself.

PHIL: Dad, you’re upset. I understand that.

FRANK: Well a week on a silly little boat isn’t going to make up for twenty years of neglect now is it? Twenty years of never calling, never being invited to yours.  Just the occasional crap father’s day card with a pair of teddy bears playing darts on it.  Well I’ve got news for you son, I bloody hate darts. You didn’t even have the decency to write on the bloody things yourself did you?  I know Sheila’s handwriting when I see it.

PHIL: (SPITEFULLY) Well you won’t be getting anymore now so you’ll be alright won’t you?

FRANK: If I’d have known at the start you were going to bottle it at the first hurdle I wouldn’t have come, but no I thought for once the poncey sod’s done something right, hasn’t let me down.  I don’t know why I expected any different Philip because that’s all you’ve ever done.

PHIL: (DESPERATELY) Don’t do this Dad.  Not now, we don’t have the time.

FRANK: I used to think that you weren’t mine or that there must have been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. That me and your Mother had brought home the wrong baby, because we had nothing in common. Nothing. She once caught me looking at your birth certificate...

PHIL: Well just what should I have done eh?  What could I have done to please you? Join the Army and boxed for my battalion, been a real man eh?  Worked shifts in a factory making shite that nobody wanted?  Would you have had more respect for me then eh?  Well I’m sorry to disappoint you Dad but I would have gone stark raving mad!

FRANK: You’re a snob Philip.  We weren’t good enough for you were we?  It was alright when your Mother was crying with pride whilst you were poncing around town in your cap and gown and fancy piece of paper but you didn’t call her for a month afterwards did you?

PHIL: Well at least she came. You couldn’t stand to see me getting away could you eh? You couldn’t stand to see me do well because it served to underline what a fucking failure you were, didn’t it?

FRANK: Steady Son, you’re starting to sound like one of us.

PHIL: Rotting away in your fucking armchair, bitter and twisted because life has passed you by and you’d had your best years half a century ago.

FRANK: Life didn’t pass me by Philip. (PAUSE) You did.

LONG SILENCE

PHIL: (SADLY) I’ll ring the boat company and get them to pick the boat up from here.  Sort out a hire car for the morning.

SCENE 20

INSIDE THE BOAT THE FOLLOWING MORNING WE HEAR PHIL PREPARING CUPS OF TEA.

PHIL: I’ll have to get a taxi into Lincoln to pick up the car. Will you be alright?

FRANK: I need a favour. If I could, I’d go for a walk along the path. One last look at the water before I go back. Could you take the chair out and help me in? I’ll be ok from there.

PHIL: I’ll push you if you want. Pretend I’m not there.

FRANK: I’ll be fine.

SCENE 21

ON THE TOWPATH PHIL LOWERS FRANK INTO HIS CHAIR AND WE HEAR HIM SET OFF ALONG THE FINE GRAVEL PATH.

PHIL: (AFTER HIM) You sure you don’t want me to push you?

FRANK: Stop fussing. Fetch the car.

FRANK SPEEDS UP FOR A WHILE BEFORE SUDDENLY STOPPING.

PHIL: Dad?

HE QUICKLY CATCHES UP WITH FRANK.

FRANK: All that bloody rain. The gravel’s sticking to the tyres. It’s all over my hands.

PHIL: Here, let me push you for a bit.

PHIL DOES SO IN SILENCE AND ALL WE HEAR FOR A WHILE IS THE TYRES ON THE GRAVEL.

FRANK: Bloody typical.

PHIL: What?

FRANK: We could have gone on after all.

PHIL: What do you mean?

FRANK: That boat coming up behind there, the green one.

PHIL STOPS PUSHING TO LOOK.

PHIL: (CONFUSED) What about it?

FRANK: It’s from the same hire place as ours isn’t it?

PHIL: And?

FRANK SPINS HIMSELF AROUND.

FRANK: For Christ’s sake Philip, what did they teach you at that University?

PHIL: You’ve lost me Dad.

FRANK: We’re stuck on this side of the lock wanting to go on. They’re stuck on that side wanting to get back. The hire company own both boats.

PHIL: (FINALLY GETTING IT) We swap boats!

FRANK: Halle-bloody-lujah!

ACCOUSTIC: PHIL SPINS FRANK AROUND AND SETS BACK OFF ALONG THE PATH. THE TWO REFLECT ON THE SITUATION IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS.

PHIL: What’s to stop us?

FRANK: It’s too late Philip.  We can’t unsay what was said last night.

PHIL’S MOBILE PHONE RINGS AND HE ANSWERS.

PHIL: (TO PHONE) John Hi. John, can I ring you back in a few minutes? (TO DAD) (SOFTLY) We could try Dad. Meet each other half way. See how it goes. What do you say?

THE PHONE STARTS TO RING AGAIN BUT THIS TIME PHIL IGNORES IT.

PHIL: (OVER THE MOBILE) Half an hour and we’re on our way again.

FRANK: (OVER THE MOBILE) What about work and that?

PHIL THROWS THE RINGING MOBILE PHONE INTO THE WATER WITH A SPLASH.

FRANK: What the? What the hell are you doing? Are you mad? For Christ’s sake, you’ll get the bleeding sack!

PHIL: Do you know any good unions?

FRANK: How much will it cost you?

PHIL: Forget it Dad, life’s too short.

FRANK: (TO HIMSELF) You can say that again.

PHIL: (WARMLY) Let’s go fishing Dad.

SCENE 22

IT’S THE DEAD OF NIGHT WITH ONLY THE SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN ON THE ROOF OF THE BOAT.

FRANK: Maureen!!

PHIL: Dad?

ACOUSTC: WE HEAR BEDSHEETS BEING PULLED OFF AND LIGHTS BEING TURNED ON.

FRANK: It was your mother

PHIL: It’s OK Dad, you’ve been dreaming.

FRANK: (SADLY) She was holding her arms out for me but she just faded away.

PHIL: Lie back down Dad. Here, let me tuck you back in.

PHIL HELPS FRANK SETTLE BACK INTO HIS BUNK.

FRANK: It’s close Son. It won’t be long now.

PHIL: I know Dad. I know.

PHIL BEDS BACK DOWN AND TURNS OFF THE LIGHT. WE’RE BACK TO JUST THE SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AGAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS.

PHIL: How do you cope Dad, knowing you’re going to (PAUSE)...to die?

FRANK: We’re all going to die son, it’s just that I happen to know that for me it’s going to be sooner rather than later.

PHIL: But don’t you get frightened, angry even?

FRANK: When I was in Korea, there were nights when I never thought I’d see home again, nights when we had twenty thousand shells dropped on us.  I couldn’t imagine ever having another pint with your Granddad. Nineteen Philip.  Nothing but a snotty kid, shitting himself in some trench half way across the world. I made a deal with God. I wasn’t greedy, just asked him to get me back home safe so I could get my job back, go drinking with your Granddad, meet your mother and have a couple of kids. Simple. When you think you’re going to die at nineteen, when you’ve done sod all apart from a couple of knee tremblers behind the Palais on a Saturday night, that’s fear Philip. (PAUSE) So anyways, he answers my prayers and I get another 55 years out of the old bugger. Met your Mother, had you and Kath, went drinking with my Dad. I’ve always seen those years as a bonus. So I shouldn’t complain now should I? Not when I knew kids who didn’t make it home.

PHIL: I suppose not Dad.

FRANK: Last night Philip. What I said...

PHIL: Leave it Dad. It’s OK.

FRANK: What about the phone, your sure you won’t get into trouble?

PHIL: Nah, I’ll just say that I dropped it in the water or something. It’s a big firm, it won’t miss one mobile.

FRANK FIDGETS AROUND TO GET COMFORTABLE.

FRANK: So what do accountants do?

PHIL: Oh you know, mess about with figures really, make people’s money work for them, get the best out of it. It’s boring really. You must have heard the joke about John Major? The only man in history to run away from the circus to join a firm of accountants.

FRANK: So why did you want to do it?

PHIL: I didn’t.  I hate being an accountant.  It’s the money I suppose.  It gives you the kind of freedom and standard of living you soon get used to. Like not having to live in a house that’s damp or made of tissue paper.  Not having to clean dog shit off the kids’ shoes every time they come home from school.  Going abroad a couple of times a year.  Being able to buy a decent car that’s safe and doesn’t break down every Bank Holiday Monday, just as you’re setting off for the coast.

FRANK: Ouch.

PHIL: It’s not that what I had as a kid wasn’t good enough, it’s just that what I’ve got now is (PAUSE) I don’t know (PAUSE) just, easier.  When I want something I can have it.  When something breaks we make a few calls and it’s sorted.  Everything’s just a little less complicated than it was when I was a kid.  I suppose that’s why I do a job I’m not particularly fond of.

FRANK: I’ve never earned a decent wage in my life.

PHIL: You could have though couldn’t you?

FRANK: (SURPRISED) Could I?

PHIL: I remember you telling me as a kid.  You had the chance to go off and be a singer with your own backing band. Do the clubs, holiday camps and cruises. You said yourself you could have earned a lot more money than you did as a steelworker. Would have been a damn sight easier to earn as well. But you didn’t take it, did you?  You stayed put.

FRANK: Aye, because if I had, then I wouldn’t have seen you lot at all would I?

PHIL: So you put us first and spent sixteen hours a day in a steel mill. Up to your neck in dirt and sweat for the best part of forty years.

FRANK: Something in common then, eh Son? Both hating our jobs and having to compromise.

PHIL: Only I did it for the money and you did it for us.  I couldn’t have done it Dad, I’m too selfish. You made a massive sacrifice. It took courage to do that, as much as any adventurer climbing Everest or whatever.

FRANK: Aye, me and a million others. (HE ADOPTS AN AMERICAN ACCENT) I could have been a contender Charlie.

PHIL: Let’s get some sleep eh? We’ll be at the Royal tomorrow afternoon.  Nothing’s going to stop us now.

SCENE 23

WE HEAR THE BOAT SLOWLY PROGRESSING ALONG AS PHIL LOOKS THROUGH BINOCULARS.

FRANK: (INPATIENTLY) Well?

PHIL: I can see the sign, it’s still called the Royal but I just can’t… (PAUSE) (EXCITEDLY) Yes! It says Kingston’s Ales above it!

FRANK: Yes!!!

PHIL: You want a swift one first?

FRANK: Nah, it’s bad luck. We always fished first. I can wait.

SCENE 24

NOW ON THE BANK, THE TWO ARE BUSY SETTING UP THEIR TACKLE.

FRANK: You’ll want a size fourteen for Tench and try some of this. (PAUSE) Jesus you daft sod, when I said save some sweetcorn, I meant before you put mayonnaise on it.

PHIL: Sorry. I just thought the fish around here were a bit more (PAUSE) cosmopolitan.

CUT TO: STILL ON THE BANK PHIL GETS A BITE.

FRANK: (BOSSY) Hold up your rod, hold it up.

PHIL: Christ, whatever this is, it’s big.

WE HEAR SPLASHING AS A FISH BREAKS THE SURFACE.

FRANK: It’s a Tench, I don’t believe it, you’ve caught a bleeding Tench.

PHIL: We’re not jealous now are we?

FRANK: (DEFENSIVELY) Get out of it. Of course I’m not. Good on you son. Anyhow, there’s plenty of time left for me to catch one of my own. Interrogate it. Find out where its friends are before you net it.

PHIL: (IN A GERMAN ACCENT) Tell me. Ver are your comrades? (IN HIS OWN VOIVE TO FRANK) Get the camera then Dad.

FRANK: I can’t bloody use that thing.

PHIL: I’ve told you Dad it’s easy. Two buttons, red on and off. When it’s on, green to film red to stop then red off. That’s why I bought it, so you could document the trip.

FRANK: Nah. I’ll let you be the documentary maker. I’ve got fish to catch.

CUT TO: STILL ON THE BANK WE HEAR BIRDS SINGING BUT LITTLE ELSE.

FRANK: (DESPONDENT) Oh sod this for a game of cricket, I’ll settle for a pint. Come on, let’s call it a day.

WE HEAR FRANK BEGIN TO COLLECT UP HIS TACKLE BEFORE HE IS INTERRUPTED BY PHIL.

PHIL: Dad! Your float. You’ve got a bite.

FRANK: Pass me my landing net. (PAUSE)  I’d forgotten how good this feels. A decent fish on the line!

PHIL PLACES THE LANDING NET UNDER THE FISH AS FRANK CONTINUES TO REEL IT IN.

FRANK: Another Tench. A beauty. Get yours and the scales. Smallest gets the beer in.

PHIL PULLS IN HIS KEEP NET TO RETRIEVE HIS TENCH WHICH HE LAYS NEXT TO FRANK’S ON THE LANDING NET.

PHIL: They both look about the same to me Dad.

PHIL SETS ABOUT METHODICALLY WEIGHING THE FISH, ONE AFTER THE OTHER.

FRANK: (INPATIENTLY) Well?  (PAUSE)  Who’s won?

PHIL: (IN BOXING M.C VOICE) Ladies and Gentlemen. By no more than two ounces, the winner is (PAUSE) Frrrank Barton.

FRANK: Yes!! Yes! The old sod’s still got it.

PHIL: Pass me the video camera.

FRANK: Aye, then I do believe it’s your round.

SCENE 25

IN THE ROYAL WE HERE JOHNNY CASH’S ‘BOY NAMED SUE’ AS PHIL RETURNS FROM THE BAR WITH TWO PINTS OF KINGSTONS ALE.

FRANK: Do they not sell wine in here son?

PHIL: I thought I’d try a pint.

FRANK: (IN MOCK SERIOUSNESS) Steady on Son.  You’ll be thrown out of the official Pen-pushers and Dirt-dodgers Trade Union if you’re not careful.  Are your subs up to date?

PHIL: Shut up and get it down you.

FRANK ALL BUT DOWNS THE PINT IN ONE GO AS THE BARMAID APPROACHES AND BEGINS TO CLEAR THE NEXT TABLE.

BARMAID: Looks like you were ready for that love.

FRANK: (TO BARMAID) My Doctor says I ought to cut down. (TO PHIL) We came a long way for that pint didn’t we Son?

PHIL: We certainly did. Same again?

FRANK: (WARMLY) It’s OK Son, there’s no rush, drink yours first. (TO HIMSELF) Who’d have thought it eh?  A Tench and a pint of Kingston’s. (PAUSE) (TO PHIL) Thanks Son.

SCENE 26

LATER IN THE BOAT PHIL AND FRANK ARE DISCUSSING DINNER.

PHIL: I don’t mind Dad, really. I can get a taxi there and back again in no time.

FRANK: Nah, you’re alright Son, I don’t think a curry would sit well on top of the Kingston’s anyway.

PHIL: You’ve got to eat Dad and we’ve nothing in. (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) What about fish and chips eh?  Now there’s an idea.

FRANK: Aye, why not. Fish and chips. Round off the day nicely that will. Here I’ll get them.

PHIL: (PLAYFULLY) Steady on Dad.  Are you sure about this?

FRANK: Here, my wallet. You might as well take it. I can’t take it with me now can I? It’s got pictures of your Mother and you and our Kath as kids. I’d like you to have it. There’s about a hundred quid in it. Put it towards the trip...

PHIL: I don’t want your money for the trip Dad, it’s fine.

FRANK: Well get the chips then and give the rest to the kids.

PHIL: (WEAKLY) Thanks Dad.

SCENE 27

A BUSY CHIPSHOP IN FULL TEA-TIME SWING.

WOMAN: That’s nine pounds forty-two love please.

PHIL TAKES OUT A NOTE FROM THE WALLET. THE WOMAN COMPLETES THE TRANSACTION AND IS ABOUT TO HAND OVER THE CHANGE WHEN A CUSTOMER NOTICES THAT PHIL HAS DROPPED SOMETHING FROM THE WALLET.

MAN: Hey, you dropped this.

THE MAN PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER CUTTING AND READS THE HEADLINE AS HE HANDS IT TO PHIL. THE SUBJECT IS CLEARLY A PRIVATE MATTER AND HE BECOMES EMBARRASSED.

MAN: Oh, Sorry.

PHIL: (READING OUT LOUD) Euthanasia. A matter of dignity.

WOMAN: Fifty-two pence change love.

PHIL: (TO HIMSELF) Shit.

PHIL RECALLS SOME OF THE THINGS FRANK HAS SAID TO HIM.

FRANK: (V.O.) I wish they’d give me a bottle of those Smarties they’re giving me.  I’d be no trouble to anyone then.

PHIL: (TO HIMSELF) Oh no.

FRANK: (V.O.) I’ve been storing tablets. For the ultimate rainy day towards the end. I spit one out now and again when I can stand the pain. Gives me a sense of being in control.

PHIL: (TO HIMSELF) No Dad!

PHIL RUNS FROM THE CHIPSHOP.

WOMAN: Hey, what about your chips?

SCENE 28

BACK AT THE BOAT A DESPERATE PHIL BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR BUT IS CLEARLY TOO LATE.

FRANK LAYS MOTIONLESS ON THE FLOOR. PHIL CRADLES HIS BODY. THE VIDEO CAMERA STILL RECORDING ON THE TABLE.

PHIL: Dad! (SADLY) Ah Dad. (PAUSE) No. (THROUGH TEARS) I love you Dad. (PAUSE) I love you.

SCENE 29

A SHAKEY HAND FUMBLES AND STRUGGLES TO PLACE A DVD INTO THE PLAYER. THE DISC DRAWER SHUTS AND EVENTUALLY WE HEAR FRANK CLEAR HIS THROAT AS THE RECORDING STARTS.

FRANK: I hope this thing’s working otherwise I’m spending my last few minutes talking to myself. (PAUSE) Where can I start?  Thanks for putting up with me Son. I’m sorry if I was a sod at times but I was a self centred so-and-so before I got cancer, remember? Do yourself a favour and don’t go spending so much time at work.  Make sure that you make time for Sheila and the kids and don’t end up having to rely on the photos in your wallet to remember what they look like for Christ’s sake.  What good’s a wallet full of money if your own kids don’t even know you eh?  Kids don’t need money, they need time. (PAUSE) I’d like you to have my fishing tackle so you and the boys can go fishing together; pass on what I taught you.  There’s a couple of hundred a piece in the bank for them, our Kath knows where the book is, don’t you love?  It’s with the funeral stuff.  And Kath, get your bloody arse off the settee and find yourself another fella. It’s not natural for a woman of your age to be on her own. You’ll have the bloody neighbours talking. (WARMER) You deserve better kid, a lot better. (PAUSE) Oh, and by the way, when our Philip shows you the video of the fish we caught today, the smaller one’s mine. (PAUSE) I saw you swap them Son. Didn’t have the heart to say so and anyway it saved me the first round of drinks!! (PAUSE) I really appreciated this trip Phillip, it meant a lot to me. Gave me back some dignity. I (PAUSE) I love you both and God forgive me for not saying so enough.  Now look after yourselves and be there for one another.  I love you all so much and I’m proud of you.

SCENE 30

WE ARE AT KATH’S WHO IS HOSTING FRANK’S WAKE.

KATH: Hey, there’s some red wine on the side, I got it special.

PHIL: No thanks Kath, I think I’ll stick to beer today if you don’t mind.

KATH: Dad would be pleased to see you with a beer. (SERIOUS) So, you promise the Police are off your back now they’ve seen Dad’s video?

PHIL: Yes love, even with the lens cap on for half of it! I went in this morning with my Solicitor and it’s fine. (PAUSE) Though it’s a bloody good job he worked out how to switch the thing on or I’d have been on a sticky wicket for sure.

THE TWO ARE JOINED BY BRENDA.

PHIL: (WARMLY) Hello Brenda.

BRENDA: I hope you don’t mind me coming, I wasn’t sure if I ought to have or not. I just felt the urge to pay my last respects.  (ARKWARD) I er...

PHIL: It’s OK Brenda, it’s very nice of you to come.  You’re very welcome here. (PAUSE) Can I get you anything?

BRENDA: (TO PHIL) No thanks love. (TO KATH) Can I nip to the Ladies room Kath?

KATH: Off course love. Top of the stairs on the right.

SHE DEPARTS TO THE TOILET.

PHIL: It’s a good turn out for the old sod.

KATH: Yeah. (PAUSE) But fancy our old dinner lady coming. She looked so upset at the service. I mean it’s very kind of her to come, I just never realised she was so fond of Dad. (PAUSE) What? (THE PENNY DROPS) Tell me it was after Mum? (PAUSE) Oh my god. The dirty old sod.

PHIL: I just hope she’s not here to make a claim on his fishing tackle.

KATH: I doubt it was his fishing tackle she was after. (PAUSE) Still, he was only human I suppose.

PHIL: (TO HIMSELF) Yeah (PAUSE) He was.

FISHING

Written by Paul Kenny

Cover Design by Mick Marston www.thefutilevignette.com

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Published by Cornucopia Radio

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