SCENE 1

F/X:	A VOICEOVER AND SOUNDTRACK THAT SEEMS TO COME FROM A DIFFERENT SHOW. JEMIMA SOUNDS MUCH MORE DYNAMIC, LIKE SHE IS SHE-RA/HE-MAN

JEMIMA-RA: 	My name is Jemima Bellafonte, Commander of the UK Space Action Force. I’m on a five-year mission to destroy the evil forces of the Lightbulb Armada and stop their diabolical plan to destroy the entire solar system from their dastardly lair on Pluto.

My only companion on this long journey is my ever-faithful Pod computer; programmed to help me defend justice, destroy Lightbulbians and devour chicken.

POD-ORKO:	You’re the best Mrs Bellafonte! I’d happily lay down my life for you and this mission Mrs Bellafonte!

JEMIMA-RA: 	I know you would, Pod. But I’m the only one that can save us all! So come join me and my laser sword of power on the continuing thrilling adventures of... Pod To Pluto! 

F/X:					LIGHTNING STRIKE!!!

 	And remember. Don’t forget to beg your parents to buy our action figure toys!

F/X:					ROCKING CARTOON THEME SONG!!!    

SCENE 2

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

POD:				Jemima! Wake up, Jemima!

JEMIMA: 	(GROGGY) What? Why? I was happily dreaming about a better show. Sorry I meant life... I don’t know why I said show…

POD:				Wake up! Wake up and smell the coffee. 

JEMIMA:			What, we have coffee?

POD:	No… We have Prosecco! Wanna smell it? Oh yeah… that’s the good stuff. Cue the music! 

F/X: 	PARTY MUSIC! PARTY POPPERS! ONE OF THOSE TOOTING PAPER HORNS. 

JEMIMA:			Prosecco? No way!

F/X: 	BOTTLE BEING OPENED. GLASS BEING FILLED.

POD:	Yes way, Jemima! Yummy, yummy Prosecco. Celebrate. Good times. Come on.

JEMIMA:			What are we celebrating?

F/X:					MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY. 

POD:				(HURT) You don’t remember?

JEMIMA:			Not a clue. Nice bubbles though.

POD:	It’s our anniversary! Today is the beginning of our third year together trucking ever onward into the forever-night…

JEMIMA:	Wow… Our third year… Doesn’t time fly when you’re… 

POD:	Having fun? 

JEMIMA:	I was going to say ‘existing’. 

POD:	All the same, I thought that to celebrate it might be nice if I re-booted things a little. So I’ve redesigned the Pod, bought us a robot and, in five seconds, I’m going to install a new DLC voice pack. Five, four…

JEMIMA: 			You’re going to install what?

POD:	Three, two, one. Oooh, that tickles. Aroooooooooooo …

F/X:	HIDEOUS ELECTRONIC BUZZING AND CHATTERING.

JEMIMA:			Pod, what’s happening?! Pod?! Pod!

PODETTE:	Aroooooooooooo-Ya! And there we have it. Voice pack 100% installed. What do I sound like to you? Do I sound funny? I sound funny to me. 
JEMIMA:			So now you’re female?

PODETTE:	I don’t think we need to bring your silly human gender hang-ups into this Jemima. It’s just a new voice with a different timbre and pitch that vibrates those silly human bones in your inner ear differently. It’s based on the Pod model that your boyfriend-but-not-your-boyfriend Pete Thomas had. Except without all the shouting. Do you like it?

JEMIMA:	Not really. I guess for better or worse I’m just more used to you sounding like you. 

PODETTE:	Oh. That’s disappointing. Are you saying you’d like me to change my voice back?

JEMIMA:	Yes please. 

PODETTE:	Spoilsport. Hold on, let me just find the uninstall command.

F/X:	HIDEOUS ELECTRONIC BUZZING AND CHATTERING.

PODETTE:	There we go. No wait, hold on… Something hasn’t worked.

JEMIMA:	(SIGH) Pod are you stuck like this now?
 
PODETTE:			No wait, I can fix this. 

F/X:	HIDEOUS ELECTRONIC BUZZING AND CHATTERING.

PODETTE:	Testing. Hello? Testing? Testing? Okay maybe I do need a bit of help with this. I’ll need you to empty my cache files by introducing a slight kinetic input into the side of my main CPU.
       
JEMIMA: 	You mean hit this big metal box with all the cables coming out of it? 

PODETTE:	Well, I suppose if you want to get really non-technical about it.		

JEMIMA:	Finally Pod. Finally after three years! A game I can truly enjoy.

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

PODETTE:	Testing? No. Try again. Aim higher.

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

PODETTE:	Try lower.

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

POD:	Okay? Yes? Ahh, back to normal. 

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD. SHE IS REALLY INTO THIS.

PODETTE:	(ANGRY) You can stop now Jemima.

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

DIFFERENT POD 1:	Ooh, what’s this voice all about then?

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

DIFFERENT POD 2:	This is even worse.

F/X:	SEVERAL METALIC CLANGS AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

POD:	Stop Jemima! Stop! I’m back to normal.

JEMIMA: 	(OUT OF BREATH)	Best. Game. Ever... (GATHERS HERSELF) So… you said you’d also redesigned the Pod? 

POD: 	Yes! Massively so! 100% epic overhaul! Do you like it? 
		
JEMIMA:	Are you sure you’ve actually done anything? It looks exactly the same.

POD:	Hmmm… I suppose you wouldn’t notice. The redesign mostly focussed on internal wiring, tubing and wanging all the fried chicken boxes into space… But I assure you that behind the scenes I’ve stripped all the unnecessary junk that was clogging up my systems. (PROUD) I’m now running at 13% efficiency. 

JEMIMA:			13% doesn’t sound very good, Pod. 

POD:				Well, you don’t want to know what I started at then. 

JEMIMA:			I don’t?

POD:	Lord have mercy no. Just drink some Prosecco. Try not to worry about it. 

F/X: 					GLASS BEING FILLED. 

JEMIMA:	You also mentioned a robot?

POD:				I did! I did mention a robot!

JEMIMA:			Can I see the robot?

POD:				No. 

JEMIMA:			Oh, that’s disappointing. 

POD:	No it’s not, Jemima. It’s perfect! I got you a nanobot. And the reason you can’t see the nanobot is because it’s so infinitesimally small. But if it was big enough to see, then basically you’d be looking at a giant metallic ant with great crushing mandibles and dripping sulphurous drool from its hideous gaping maw. 

JEMIMA:			Where is it now?

POD:				Inside you. I put it there while you slept. 

JEMIMA:			What?! How?!

POD:				Drink some Prosecco. Try not to worry about it. 

F/X: 					GLASS BEING FILLED MORE. 

JEMIMA: 			Why have you put a nanobot inside me, Pod?

POD:	Because it’s got a built in tracking device. Now I’ll never have to worry about where you are and I’ll never ever lose you.

JEMIMA:	But I’m always here, Pod. Trapped. With you. In here. 

POD:	Don’t be a spoilsport, Jemima. It’s a present! An anniversary present! Let’s test it out. 

JEMIMA:			Oh what’s the harm? Ok, so where am I?

POD:				Hang on, I’ll just switch it on. 

F/X:	A CLICK AND A MACHINE POWERING UP, ITS WHINE BUILDS. 

ANT:				(D) (YAWNS) Oooh… 

JEMIMA:			Pod... I think I can hear it… 

ANT:	(D) I’m awake! Yet somehow I never knew I was asleep, because until now, I never was...

JEMIMA:	I can hear it talking… talking in my soul…

POD:	Well, that can’t be right. I stuffed it in your head end. 

ANT:	(D) I’m starving… What’s there to eat around here?

JEMIMA:			Pod, I don’t like it. 

ANT:				(D) Oooh bone marrow! Yum! 

POD:				Hang on Jemima, I’m tracking you now. 	

JEMIMA:			My tibia hurts…

ANT:				(D) Nom nom nom nom.

POD: 				Tracking… tracking…

JEMIMA:			(PAIN) Pod… It burns… 

ANT:				(D) Burp.

POD:				Just centring in on your position and… 

JEMIMA:			(MORE PAIN) So much pain!

ANT: 	(D) I’m thirsty. I think I’ll go rupture the bladder. Hmmm…Which way’s that?

POD:	Gotcha! Hold on, why are you 40 metres outside this pod?

JEMIMA:	(SO MUCH PAIN) I’m right here! Right now. In the pod. In front of your grill. Doubled over. Clutching my stomach. In agony.

POD:	Not according to these readings you’re not. 

ANT:	(D) Who put this colon here? Well, I’m going to have to bite right through that. Rarr.

JEMIMA: 	(AGONY) Pod! Switch. Off. The. Tiny. Ant. Of. Pain! 

POD:	But if I did that, how would I know where you are? 

JEMIMA:	Use your visual sensors!

POD:	No can do. I’m quite blind at present. Have been ever since I got rid of all those pretty green wires during the clear out. 

JEMIMA:	(ANGRY) Switch it off!

F/X:	WHINE STOPS. 

ANT:	(D) Nooo! I had so much…life....left…to…eat… (FADES)

POD:	Ok, it’s off. So how’s this anniversary day going for you so far?

JEMIMA:	Not amazingly, Pod. 

POD:				Oh, that’s disappointing. 

JEMIMA:	Top up my glass. I need a drink.

F/X: 					GLASS BEING FILLED. 

POD:	I’m glad you’re enjoying that. I didn’t really have any Prosecco so had to improvise. 

JEMIMA:	Improvise how? 

POD:	I milked the ant. 

JEMIMA:	(SPITS) Pod! Look… I appreciate the effort but can we just get things back to normal please? No new voice packs, no redesigns and no nanobots. Just me and you. ‘Classic Pod’.

POD:	Right you are. Just me and you then… Just me and you… (PAUSE) And the cat. 

JEMIMA:	We don’t have a cat. 

POD:	Yes we do! We’ve had one for ages. I’ve just been waiting for the perfect moment to give it to you. 

JEMIMA:	For ages? 

POD:	Yeah! You do like cats right?

JEMIMA:			(SUSPICIOUS) Pod, where’s the cat? 

POD:				Can you see the box under the terminal?

JEMIMA:			Yes. 

POD:				The cat sized box?

JEMIMA:			Yes.

POD:	The cat sized box that could feasibly hold a cat?

JEMIMA:	Yes.

POD:				It’s in the box. 

JEMIMA:			Pod, is the cat alive? 

POD:				Well the beautiful thing about that is… it’s both. 

JEMIMA:			When did you order me a cat? 

POD:	About 18 months ago… Took ages to find someone willing to stick it in the supply relay. 

JEMIMA:	The supply relay that takes months and involves putting goods in an airless hold?

POD:	Yup.

JEMIMA:			It’s dead isn’t it?

POD:				It’s both. 

JEMIMA:			I think it’s dead.

POD:				It’s both until you open the box.

JEMIMA:			It’s going to be dead though isn’t it?

POD:				Open the box and find out. 

F/X:					OPENING OF A CARDBOARD BOX. 

JEMIMA:			(GAGS) Yup it’s dead. 

POD:				You sure? Try giving it a poke. 

JEMIMA:			Ok. Argh! 

F/X:	A SOFT “PFFT” OF MOULDY AIR. A MAD, PANICKED FLAPPING AND SQUAWKING NOISE. 

POD:	What’s happening? I can’t see what’s happening!

JEMIMA:			Bird! Bird! There’s a bird in here! A shocking bird!

POD:	Brilliant! The bird survived! It must have been feasting on the cat…

F/X:	JEMIMA JUMPS UP AND STARTS FLAILING AROUND.

JEMIMA:	(PANIC) Bird! Bird! Bird in the pod! Bird! Going mental! Bird! Arrrghhh!

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA ACCIDENTALLY HITS POD.

PODETTE:	Maddened by blood lust no doubt. Oh not this voice again.

JEMIMA:			It’s attacking my face!

PODETTE:	Don’t let it do that. If it gets a taste for you it’ll have the flesh clean off!

JEMMA:			Help me! 

PODETTE:	I’m thinking… Erm… What do birds not like?

JEMIMA:			Cats! Arghh!

PODETTE:	That’s great! We’ve got one of those... Set the cat on it.

JEMIMA:	How?!

PODETTE:	Pick up the cat and smack the bird’s beak off with its rigormortisy paw. 

JEMIMA: 			Oh my… (GAGS) Pod, this is shocking gross!

PODETTE:			Do it Jemima! Do it!

JEMIMA:			Argh… Have it! HAVE IT!

F/X:	A SERIES OF HEAVY, METALLIC CLANGS. POD BACK TO NORMAL.

POD:	Can you try and be a bit more delicate please? It’ll take me ages to buff these dings out.

JEMIMA:	Sorry Pod, there’s not enough room to swing a dead cat in here. 

POD:	Did you kill it? 

JEMIMA:	No, I missed. It seems to have sought refuge on some discarded piping. 

POD:	Right. Wang the moggy at it when it’s not looking. 

JEMIMA:	Ok. (SINGS) Tum te tum. Da da dada da. (WHISTLES) Eat cat, beaky! 

F/X:					A SMASH. A SQUAWK. 

POD:				Did you get it? 

JEMIMA:			No. But I think I broke the cat.

POD:				The cat was already broken, Jemima. It’s dead. 

JEMIMA:			Maybe, but now it’s dead with no head. 

POD:				Where’s the head? 

JEMIMA:			It rolled into one of your open grills. 

POD:				My KFC!

JEMIMA:	It’s not after your chicken, Pod. It no longer has a direct line to its stomach.

POD:				Well that’s a relief. What’s the bird doing? 

JEMIMA:	It’s burrowing into the cat’s body cavity through the neck hole. 

POD:	Ooooh that’s disgusting… I’m glad I’ve only got this on audio. 

JEMIMA:	Hang on… I think it’s nesting. 

POD:	Oh that’s quite sweet. 

JEMIMA:	(SOFTENING) Yeah… It seems kind of happy in there, snuggling down… getting settled… 

F/X:		BIRD COOS.

POD & JEMIMA:	Ahhhh.

JEMIMA:	I know it’s only got a beak but I could swear it’s smiling.

POD:	Shall we keep it?

JEMIMA:	What? Keep the bird? As a pet? 

POD:	Yeah! Why not? I know all my other anniversary presents were awesome… 

JEMIMA:	They weren’t. 

POD:	…But this is the best. And, it’s the most alive.  

JEMIMA:	Shall we give it a name?

POD:	Birdy McBirdface?
 
JEMIMA:	No.
 
POD:	Feathers McFlutter?
 
JEMIMA:	No. 
 
POD:	Cloaca?
 
JEMIMA:	Pod, that’s beautiful. What does it mean? 

POD:	It means “Jemima”, Jemima. In bird language. 

JEMIMA:	It’s going to be nice to have something around the place to look after and care for and talk to and love and… 

POD:	Woah taxi! Isn’t that what you use me for?  

JEMIMA:	What? Oh no… You’re more like an alarm clock. But an alarm clock I can’t ever shut up no matter how many times I hit the snooze button.  

POD:	But I thought we were friends... 

JEMIMA:	“Friends” might be a bit strong, Pod. We’re more like acquaintances. If a person can be acquainted with, say, a mop, or a wall, or a piece of laminate, or the colour red, or some bleach…

POD:	This is a bit strong…

JEMIMA:	… or a tub of marge, or a restaurant review, or a screwdriver, or a screw, or a taxi driver… 

POD:	Woah taxi! What are you getting at? 

JEMIMA:	What I’m getting at is that I think I’m going to love having a feathery friend. Even if those feathers are covered in congealed cat. 

POD:	(ANGRY) Sufferin’ succotash! I’m not going to have any bird usurping me in your affections. I’m going to find my eye circuitry and then I’m going to kill that bird! 

JEMIMA:	What are you going to do? Stare it to death?

POD:	Yes, I’m going to stare at it until its dead. Just watch me. 

JEMIMA:	That may take a while, Pod. It’s bloated on stale cat blood like some sort of monstrous avian tick. It could probably live off that alone for months. 

POD:	Then I’m just going to have to find some other way to scrag it. Excuse me for a moment while I re-engage my visual circuits… Gadagga gadagga scree…

F/X:		BEEPING. 

JEMIMA:	Can you see yet? 

POD:	Almost, it’s a bit blurry…

JEMIMA:	That’ll be the cat blood on your monitor. I’ll wipe it off. 

F/X:		SQUEAKING.

POD:	Oh the indignity. 

JEMIMA:	Better?

POD: 	Yes… yes… I can see… I can... (TOUCHED) Oh Jemima!

JEMIMA:	Surprise!

POD:	You’re wearing a party dress!

JEMIMA:	Do you like it, Pod?

POD:	Like it?! I love it! Give us a twirl!

JEMIMA:	Ta da!

POD:	But why are you all dressed up?

JEMIMA:	Because it’s our anniversary!

POD:	You did remember?!

JEMIMA:	Of course I did!

POD:	That’s so sweet of you. So all that’s been going on when I couldn’t see… That was all just a ruse?

JEMIMA:	Nope. This place is absolutely covered in gore!

POD:	Oh yes, so it is. 

JEMIMA:	But it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it? And I really do appreciate all the thought you put into making today special. So I got you this. 

F/X:		BALLOON BLOWING UP. 

POD:	A balloon! I love balloons!

JEMIMA:	Happy third anniversary, Pod!

POD:	Happy third anniversary Jemima! (PAUSE) And we are friends aren’t we? Me and you? Best friends? Best friends forever? On a fun adventure to Pluto to go turn off a lightbulb? Best. Friends.  

JEMIMA:	No Pod. 

F/X:	METALIC CLANG AS JEMMIA HITS POD.

PODETTE:	Eh, fair enough.

END