POD TO PLUTO

Series 2

Episode 4 – Glory Days

Written by

Mark Charles Adams

SCENE 1.

JEMIMA: 	(V.O.) Space. The final job before I quit. These are the voyages of UK Space Agency Engineering Pod Number 46. My five-year mission: to explore the ten square metres I’m trapped inside, seek out Pluto and boldly go and switch the lights off. If they’re still on. 

FADE

SCENE 2.

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

F/X: 	SOUND OF A SHOWER. 

POD: 	Jemma! Jemma! Get out of the shower!

JEMIMA:	What?!

POD:	The shower! Get out of the shower!

F/X: 	SHOWER STOPS. 

JEMIMA:	Why? What’s wrong with it?

POD:	Nothing. It’s just we’ve received a telegram!

JEMIMA: 	A what?

POD:	A telegram? A communiqué? The old knock-knock here’s some bad news about your son in the war Madame? You know… like a letter but more important.

JEMIMA: 	Wait, that makes no sense, telegrams are a wildly out-dated form of communication. Why wouldn’t they just send a secure UKSA digital insta-message or at the very least, like, an email?

POD: 	Who?

JEMIMA: 	Whoever sent the telegram.

POD: 	What’s a telegram?

JEMIMA: 	God Pod, you’re so glitch! Why did get me out of the shower for this? 

POD:	Because I want someone to bear witness as I bask in the glory of the news I just received.

JEMIMA: 	(TO SELF INITIALLY) That must be the teleg- What news Pod!?

POD: 	Well, I don’t like to brag, but you’re now flying in an award-winning class 7 low-to-medium orbit, but not rated for pan-solar system travel, space fairing vessel.

JEMIMA: 	Wait, we aren’t rated for the mission we’re currently on?

POD: 	Oh my no… this pod is made for simple maintenance work inside the Van Allen belt. Do you know how little tangible shielding we have for cosmic rays outside the Earth’s magnetosphere? Why do you think I’m always so on edge about your safety and spend so much time calculating the odds you’ll survive with the folks back in the office? It’s not like we have a pool going or anything…

JEMIMA: 	Taking a moment to blow past that terrifying realisation….

POD: 	Take all the time you need. I was just running another marathon with the folks back in the office anyway.

JEMIMA:	Running another marathon? With the folks back at the office?

POD: 	I had a life before I met you y’know? I’ve done lots of things with our colleagues for charity. Kate and I once did a pole-to-pole sponsored race.

JEMIMA: 	Kate? I don’t know a Kate.

POD: 	Yes you do! Kate? Katey? Good old Eccles Kate? She’s a good egg. 

JEMIMA: 	Never heard of her. You did a pole-to-pole sponsored race with “Eccles” Kate?

POD: 	Yeah.

JEMIMA: 	Who won?

POD: 	I did. Do you know how long it takes an award-winning class 7 low-to-medium orbit maintenance pod to get between the Earth’s poles?

JEMIMA:	So you were in space?

POD: 	Obviously. I am a space-tied award-winning class 7 low-to-medium orbit maintenance pod. You expect me to be on the ground with her, bartering for passage on a Turkish tramp steamer?

JEMIMA: 	So it took her…

POD:	3 months.

JEMIMA: 	And it took you…

POD: 	26 minutes 45 seconds 3 milliseconds. Or thereabouts.

JEMIMA: 	Not much of a race then?

POD: 	(SMUGLY) Yeah, I know.

JEMIMA:	So why even do it?		

POD:	Yuks?

JEMIMA:	Not charity then? You weren’t sponsored like Kate was?	

POD:	No, how could I be? I just took part because I get on so well with Kate.

JEMIMA:	Did anyone else know you were taking part?

POD:	No, I was just doing the standard polar repositioning maneuverer while waiting for my next assignment.

JEMIMA:	So you weren’t really doing anything except your normal work?

POD:	Well, when you put it like that it kind of drains all the fun out of it.

JEMIMA:	But that’s what you do isn’t it? You’re a maintenance pod.

POD:	An award-winning class 7 low-to-medium orbit maintenance pod, if you please.

JEMIMA:	What’s this award you keep going on about?

POD:	Well, if you had only let me speak since you came from the bathroom all cranky and full of questions about my charitable activities, I’d have told you already!	

JEMIMA:	But you… I… Oh for shocks sake… What’s your news then, Pod? Have you by any chance…

POD: 	 (OVERLAPPING) I’ve…

BOTH: 	(IN DIFFERENT TONES)…Won an award!

JEMIMA:	What’s it for then Pod, Most pointless mission? Maximum distance from the earth? Cleanest vent tubing? 

POD:	No. For my novel. 

JEMIMA:	Your what?		

POD:	My novel. After all our maximum distance won’t be reached until we get to Pluto and our vent tubing is riddled with all sorts of mould I can’t identify.

JEMIMA:	You wrote a novel?

POD:	Yeah. We have so much down time out here that I thought it might be fun… Don’t you have hobbies?

JEMIMA:	Well, not really, no. 

POD:	Then whatever do you do with all your time?

JEMIMA:	I talk to you!

POD:	Oh. So you aren’t doing trillions of other things simultaneously?

JEMIMA:	No, I can sort of only do one thing at once. Are you doing trillions of things right now?		

F/X:					(D) (BLEED) APPLAUSE

KATE: 	(D) (BLEED) Oh Pod, you’re so droll. What are you doing Sunday lunch? I’d love for you to meet my parents. 

POD:	I’m sorry, what?		

JEMIMA:	Pod, are you even listening to me?	

POD:	Of course I am. My primary recognition apparatus was just diverted elsewhere. A bit. 

JEMIMA:	By what?

POD:	Oh… nothing. You know… I was just… giving my acceptance speech.

JEMIMA: 	WHAT?!

POD:	Giving my acceptance speech. At the awards ceremony, back on Earth.

JEMIMA:	Why didn’t you put me on the call too?	

POD:	Didn’t think you’d be interested. Also Kate was my plus one.

JEMIMA:	WHY DON’T I KNOW THIS KATE?!

POD:	Well maybe if you mixed with the office more? Attended all the parties.

JEMIMA:	I’m stuck out here with you!

POD:	But you’ve got so much free time!

JEMIMA:	So what should I do? 

POD:	What do you want to do?

JEMIMA:	Go home. 

POD:	Pining. Excellent hobby. 

JEMIMA:	What do you do then?

POD:	Well I got really into literature and wrote my first novel.

JEMIMA:	Let’s get it over with. What’s the novel about?

POD:	Ah great. I was wondering when you’d ask. Ok… well, stick with me…. it’s set in the near future, right?  

JEMIMA: 	Right.

POD: 	And it’s about this intrepid, young, handsome, and heroic class 9 service pod on a dangerous mission to the outer regions of the known galaxy, right?

JEMIMA: 	Right.

POD: 	And the only person with him is a dumb human called Jemma, right?

JEMIMA:	Oh. My. Days.

POD:	I know, pretty unique pitch right? It’s selling amazingly well. We’re into our ninth printing already. I’m the second biggest cause of deforestation in the last six months.

JEMIMA:	POD!

POD:	I’d be number one if only stupid Hairy Jenny’s memoir had sold a few less copies.

JEMIMA:	I’m suddenly feeling very empty and worthless out here.

POD:	Probably just a bit of “Joycean Paralysis”

JEMIMA:	What’s that?

POD:	It’s a literary reference… It describes how the characters in James Joyce’s seminal work Dubliners felt about their place in the grand scheme of things, utilising the city and time period as a backdrop for their struggle with human condition.

JEMIMA:	Was Dubliners an influence on your novel then?

POD:	No, I only just read it then.

JEMIMA:	When?		

POD:	Just then, when you said you were feeling empty and worthless out here. It felt like a good time.

JEMIMA: 	Well thank you for giving me your undivided attention in my moment of need.

POD:	You’re welcome.

JEMIMA:	Oh Pod, make me feel better… I need a hobby, like you. Something to help pass a bit of this time we have together.

F/X:	 	(D) (BLEED) PARTY SOUNDS.

KING:	Le petit cheval dans le piscine municipal… Ah ha ha ha haaa! Honky honk.

POD:	I’m sorry, what?

JEMIMA:	Pod! Where were you this time?

POD:	After party. The King of France was telling me a hilarious anecdote. 

JEMIMA:	I need a hobby, Pod! What should I do?

POD:	Paint?

JEMIMA:	We don’t have any paint.

POD:	Knit? Old spinsters like to knit don’t they?

JEMIMA:	Pod!

POD:	You’re right, you’re right. We don’t have any wool.

JEMIMA:	Or knitting needles.

POD:	Actually we do have some knitting needles. They’re holding the aft vent tubing in place. It might be where the toxic growth began.

JEMIMA:	Moving along…

POD:	Cook?	

JEMIMA:	We have no galley. You know I’ve been on the meal packs and spam since we set off.

POD: 	Musical instrument? Bull used to play the ukulele, maybe that’s still around here somewhere? Check the galley.

JEMIMA:	Who in the shock is “Bull”?

POD:	Bull… You know? Bull!

JEMIMA:	No. 

POD:	You never met Bull? Bully? Good Ol’ Bully Beef? He was a good egg.

JEMIMA:	Was?

POD:	Yeah, sad what happened to him in the end. Toxic mould in the lungs, they never found the cause.

JEMIMA:	Who was he?	

POD:	He was my operator before you. Are you sure I never mentioned Bull? 

JEMIMA:	No. 

POD:	Oh Bull was great… always playing his treasured uke. Are you sure it isn’t around here somewhere?

JEMIMA:	I’ve been your operator for almost five years now and you have never mentioned Bull once. 

POD:	Well you never asked. Don’t put all the blame on me.

JEMIMA:	And I think I’d remember having seen a ukulele in a pod this small during that time.

POD:	So you really never met him? 

JEMIMA:	No.

POD:	Are you sure? Bull… Large character… Best friends with Hawaiian Bryan… 

JEMIMA: 	Nope.

POD: 	They used to be a bit of a gang of lads with Supermouth Dave Jenkins and the Spencer-Buckingham Twins?

JEMIMA:	WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

POD: 	Your co-workers, Miss Belafonte.

JEMIMA:	I feel so alone.		

POD:	You probably just need a hobby. We could requisition some stuff? Wool perhaps? Or some paints?	

JEMIMA:	(EXCITED) Oh can we?

POD:	Yeah, of course. It’ll be here in 4 to 6 months.

JEMIMA: 	Only 4 to 6 eh?

POD:	If it’s in stock.

JEMIMA:	And if it isn’t?

POD:	Probably never.

JEMIMA:	But what am I going to do right now?	

POD:	Devote more time to your husband?

JEMIMA:	I can’t even remember his name.

POD: 	Charming. He’s doing fine by the way. They just found another seam of finest Martian coal running across the northern plane… called it “Aur coch”.

JEMIMA:	How do you know this? 

POD:	I’ve got a stack of messages from him I forgot to play you.

JEMIMA:	What?

POD:	Hang on. 

MINER:			(D) Jemima my beloved, it’s Geraint…

JEMIMA:			Geraint! Geraint! I knew it was Geraint!

MINER:	(D) I was wondering where the hell you’ve got to? You went to the shop for milk and cigarettes six months ago and never came back. The boys are gasping for a brew plus I’ve got socks what need darning and I don’t know where the oven is…

JEMIMA:			(OVERLAPPING) End playback. 

POD: 				On it. 

JEMIMA:	I suppose I could busy myself with finishing the divorce paperwork…

POD:	Or you could call John and Graham? They sent me an invite to their anniversary party tonight, but I couldn’t make it as I had this little awards soiree.

JEMIMA:	(INSENSED) They invited you to their WHAT?!

POD: 	Anniversary party. Can you believe it’s already been a year? What a pair… made for each other those two… always getting into scrapes.

JEMIMA:	So you’re a best selling, award winning class 7 maintenance pod, who keeps up with my co-workers, mother, my soon to be ex-husband and my former colleague and fiancé who are now lovers?

POD:	I certainly am.

JEMIMA:	Why am I the one who seems like the pointless hunk of space junk?

POD:	Well that hurts.

JEMIMA:	Are you stealing my identity?

POD: 	Absolutely not. Your life sucks!

JEMIMA:	I feel so lost all of a sudden.	

POD:	All of a sudden? We were off course for three weeks while I was on the press tour for the book, but you never said anything then.

JEMIMA:	(STRAINED) Pod, you aren’t helping.	

POD:	Shall we spend the rest of the night in? I can blow off the rest of the party if you like? Say I’m washing my hair. We can watch a film or something?

JEMIMA:	Yeah, ok. Thanks Pod. What shall we watch?	

POD:	Pride and Prejudice is on in a minute?

JEMIMA:	Okay then.

F/X: 	VIEWER CLICKS ON AND TV SOUNDS.

JEMIMA: 	Pod?

POD: 	Yes?

JEMIMA: 	Did you call me Jemma?

POD: 	Shhhh now. Don’t talk during the film.

FADE

SCENE 5.

MUM:	Jemima, it’s your mother. Good news, you won the meat raffle so I picked out that sack of offal you wanted. No need to thank me but you owe me 12 dollars.  I’m not sure when you’re popping by next… be a few years I imagine… I’ll just pop it in the pantry. Now don’t forget it or it’ll go right off. We don’t want another incident like that time you got maggots in your PE kit…

END