POD TO PLUTO

Series 2

Episode 6 – Perfect Day

Written by

Peter Richard Adams

SCENE 1.

JEMIMA: 	(V.O.) Space. The final job before I quit. These are the voyages of UK Space Agency Engineering Pod Number 46. My five-year mission: to explore the ten square metres I’m trapped inside, seek out Pluto and boldly go and switch the lights off. If they’re still on. 

FADE

SCENE 2.

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

F/X: 					A BANG FOLLOWED BY AN ALARM.

JEMIMA:			What’s that bang?!

POD:				Bang?!

JEMIMA:			Yes, Pod, bang! What the shock’s going on?!

POD:				What’s going on with what?

JEMIMA:	The extremely loud and extremely scary bang which has led to the extremely loud and extremely scary alarm that’s currently going off!

POD:				What alarm?!

JEMIMA:			Pod!!

POD:	Hang on, I’ll check. Ok checked. It appears you’re right. There is an alarm. 

JEMIMA:	I know!

POD:	I’ll turn it off. 

F/X: 					ALARM TURNS OFF.

JEMIMA:			What does it mean?

POD:	Well according to my readout that was the alarm that goes off to let us know the proximity alarm is broken. 

JEMIMA:	Ah right. What could have caused the proximity alarm to break?

POD:	I don’t know… Perhaps something came into close proximity with it…

JEMIMA:	Pod!

POD:	But it would have had to be pretty violent… After all, it’s totally designed not to break. That’s why there’s a secondary alarm which only goes off if it breaks. 

JEMIMA:			Could it have been caused by a bang?

POD:				A bang, you say? 

F/X: 					A BANG.

POD:				What’s that bang?

JEMIMA:			Shouldn’t I be asking you that, Pod?!

POD:				You could do I suppose. 

JEMIMA: 			Ok then, I will. Pod, what’s that bang?

POD: 				I’ll check. Ok, checked. We’re under attack. 

JEMIMA: 			What! Why didn’t you say?!

POD: 				I just did.

JEMIMA:			No you didn’t, you asked me! 

POD: 	As if! Why would I ask you? Do you even have an external sensor array? No of course you don’t. Pod does. Pod doesn’t have to ask. Pod just checked. 

JEMIMA:	Pod, why are you referring to yourself in the third person?

POD:	Pod isn’t sure. Pod thinks it may have something to do with that bang. 

JEMIMA: 			God, Pod you’re so glitch. Who’s attacking us? 

POD: 				Pod dunno. 

JEMIMA: 			Why doesn’t Pod know? 

POD: 	Pod may be a little banged. Have a look out the window, see what you can make out.  

JEMIMA: 	High tech… Glad to see your external sensor array is on form. 

POD: 	Don’t take that tone with Pod. Pod is doing his best under very trying circumstances! Pod is being attacked y’know!

F/X: 	THE SQUEAK OF A DIRTY WINDOW BEING WIPED. 

JEMIMA: 	Ok… It’s a bit hard to make out through all the grime but it looks like… Nah… Can’t be... 

POD: 				What? Pod is intrigued. 

JEMIMA: 			It looks like another pod, Pod. 

POD: 	Pod is concerned. Jemima is saying things twice. Pod wants to know if Jemima is damaged?

JEMIMA: 			Jemima is not damaged, Pod. 

POD: 	Then why is Jemima referring to herself in the third person? 

JEMIMA:			Pod! There’s another pod out there! 
 
POD: 				No way!

JEMIMA: 	Yes way! But I can’t make out any markings. Can you use your external sensor array to get any more detail?

POD: 				Nope. That’s all shot to shock from the attack. 

JEMIMA: 			Damn it, Pod! Who would attack us, out here? 

POD: 				Well that pod would for a start. 

JEMIMA: 			Why didn’t we see it in the rear view mirror?

POD: 	Well Pod has got two answers for that. 1. Pod hasn’t looked in the rear view mirror for eight months… Pod doesn’t really look backwards. Pod lives in the moment.

JEMIMA: 			But there could have been anything behind us! 

POD: 	Could have been but there isn… Oh hang on what’s that?

JEMIMA: 			What’s what? 

POD: 	Pod just had a little look and saw a bit more of the exhaust fly off. 

JEMIMA: 			And the second reason?

POD: 	Ah yes. The second reason is that the attack has not come from the back. It’s come from the front. 

JEMIMA: 			But it’s hit us in the rear?

POD: 	Pod thinks we may have been in reverse for the last year. 

JEMIMA: 	This is ridiculous. Put through a signal to Command and Control and let them know what’s going on. Also bring up our defences. 

POD: 				Ok to the former. The latter are already employed. 

JEMIMA: 			Good. Are they working ok? 

POD: 				As well as can be expected. Pod has very limited 
				defences so, when Pod says the defences 					are deployed, what Pod means is that Pod has 
deployed nothing that was not already deployed. 

JEMIMA: 	Ok, what do our extremely limited defences actually consist of? 

POD: 	A sign on the back saying: “No tools are stored in this pod overnight.” 

JEMIMA: 			How’s it holding up? 

POD: 	Pod will check. Ok, checked. It’s taken a dink. 

JEMIMA: 			Meaning?

POD: 	Meaning it now reads: “Tools are stored in this pod overnight”. Well, that’s like a green light to an attacker.  

F/X: 					A BANG FOLLOWED BY AN ALARM.

JEMIMA: 			Can you initiate the B Drive?

POD: 				Not sure.

JEMIMA: 			Can you turn off that alarm? 

POD: 				Doubtful. 

JEMIMA: 			Why?

POD: 	Because Pod thinks that the new alarm is the one which tells us the back up alarm for the proximity alarm is broken.

JEMIMA: 			Oh shock it. Where’s the wire for it?

POD: 				Underneath the window. 

JEMIMA: 			Alright, I’m going to cut it. 

POD: 	Are you sure? That could mean getting a new alarm alarm alarm. 

JEMIMA: 			Pod!

JEMIMA: 			Fine cut it. But don’t come running to me when
 				you’re worried the proximity alarm isn’t working. 

F/X: 	CRASH OF A METAL PLATE. A SNIP. ALARM STOPS. 

JEMIMA: 			There, now I can hear myself think. 

POD: 				And what are you hearing from your thinks?

JEMIMA: 	Shhh Pod, I’m trying to listen. Right… yes… now… Surely no one would attack an engineering Pod? Not without trying to communicate with us first? 

POD: 	Well Pod hasn’t received anything… Unless… Oh tarnation. Pod has only been monitoring FM. Pod is getting a signal on AM. Pod does feel a silly Billy. Putting it through!

F/X: 					COMMUNICATOR SWITCHES ON. 

PETE: 			(D) Hellooooo! 

JEMIMA:			(TAKEN ABACK) Wow your voice is deep. 

PETE: 			(D) Pardon? 

JEMIMA: 			(LUSTFULLY) It’s like swimming in hot treacle. 

PETE:  			(D) What? 

POD: 	Pod’s engineer is looking woozy. Pod wants to know what you want. 

PETE: 			(D) I don’t want to kill you! 

POD: 	Pod is pleased to hear it. Can you stop attacking Pod now? 

PETE: 			(D) In a moment, sure. 

POD: 				What?

F/X: 					A BANG.

PETE: 			(D) Sorry about that. I’d already fired it. 

POD: 				Sorry?! You could have destroyed Pod!

PETE: 	(D) I know, but it was the only way to stop you dying. 

JEMIMA: 			Are you mental?!

POD: 				And she’s back. 

PETE: 	(D) Might be mental. Hard to tell. Been alone a long time. Are you dead?

JEMIMA: 			No. 

PETE: 			(D) Then the plan is going swell.

JEMIMA: 			Oh my… it’s like I’m drowning in you.

PETE: 			(D) Sorry?

JEMIMA: 	Oh shock it. Look, whatever it is you want, pull up alongside and take it. Take it now, I say!

PETE: 	(D) I don’t want anything. Except to tell you your exhaust is hanging off. That could prove catastrophic. Want me to come over and fix it? 

JEMIMA:	What?

PETE:	(D) Pop over and fix it. Maybe spend the evening? Have a couple of drinks?

POD: 				You want a date?

JEMIMA: 			Eep! 

PETE: 			(D) Not a date! Just a bit of company.

POD: 				Sounds like a date to Pod... 

FADE

SCENE 3.

F/X: 					ROMANTIC MUSIC.

POD: 				What are you doing?

JEMIMA: 			Nothing, Pod. 

POD: 				Are you putting on make-up? 

JEMIMA: 			Just a little. 

POD: 	A little? I’ve seen building sites use less foundation. 

JEMIMA: 			Shut up, Pod.  

POD: 	Whatever… the engineer from the other pod is coming aboard now. 

F/X: 	ROMANTIC MUSIC STOPS. PORN JAZZ STARTS. 

JEMIMA: 			Pod, turn that off!

F/X: 					AIR LOCK HATCH. 

PETE: 			Helloooooo! I’ve fixed the exhaust!

JEMIMA: 			Do what you want to me!

PETE: 			Why are you on your bunk?

JEMIMA: 			No reason. Ooooh, you brought flowers!

PETE: 			Yeah. Sorry they’re dead. I’ve had them for years. 

JEMIMA: 	It’s a lovely gesture. So… tell me. What are you doing all the way out here?

PETE: 	Ah yes… I was hoping we wouldn’t get to that until a little later on. 

JEMIMA:	Why?

PETE:	Well it’s a little awkward… You know where you’re going?

JEMIMA: 			Pluto. 

PETE: 			Yes. And you know why you’re going?

JEMIMA: 	Yes, to turn the light off that some idiot may have left on. 

PETE: 			Well… There’s a small chance that I’m the idiot. 

JEMIMA: 			What?! You’re Pete Thomas?!

PETE: 	Please don’t be angry. It’s a mistake anyone could have made. 

JEMIMA: 			I’m not angry!

PETE: 	Then can you please stop throwing the flower stalks at me?

JEMIMA: 			Sorry. But are you sure?

PETE:  	Sure what?

JEMIMA:	You’re Pete Thomas? 

PETE:	Absolutely. Pete Thomas. UK Space Agency. Says so on the tag in my pants. 

JEMIMA: 	But you can’t be! I saw photos of Pete Thomas on the work noticeboard. He’s a seven stone weakling. You’re like a beefcake in a beefcake suit… wrapped in another beefcake suit… ready to do a beefcake photo shoot on Beefcake Beach. 

PETE: 	Well yes… I’ve not had a lot to do lately except maybe the odd press up.

JEMIMA:	The odd press up?

PETE:	Just a few thousand a day.

JEMIMA: 			Phwoaar. 

PETE:				What?

JEMIMA:			Phwoaar-midable?

PETE: 	Look Jemima, I’m on my way back to Earth and, as you’re kind of only out here because of me and I’ve had to send four separate flare missiles into your operating systems, I though I might be able to make it up to you?

JEMIMA:	Oh yes, and how do you propose to do that exactly?

PETE: 			Well I brought this bottle of wine…

FADE

SCENE 4.

F/X: 					AIR LOCK HATCH CLOSING. 

JEMIMA:			Bye Pete! Bye! Bye! Bye then… Bye… 

POD: 				Well thanks be that’s over. 

JEMIMA: 	Pod! Sorry… I forgot all about you. Where have you been?

POD: 	I got bored of watching your hideous mating rituals, so I popped over to Pod 12 for a chat.

JEMIMA: 			Pete has a Pod too?

POD: 	Yeah. Although she’s a girl so obviously she doesn’t go by the name of Pod. I call her Pod. 

JEMIMA: 			So you do call her Pod? 

POD: 	No, Pod. P-O-D… Pod. I don’t think you’re picking up the inflection. 

F/X: 					EXTERNAL THRUSTER OF POD 12. 

JEMIMA: 	Well, there he goes then. That’s the last I’ll see of Mr Pete Thomas for three years. 

POD: 	What a shame. Was it a good evening? 

JEMIMA: 	It was… lovely. Just… lovely. Oh Pod! I don’t know if it’s because I’m drunk or lonely or because I haven’t seen a man of that size in two years – or in fact, ever now I come to think about it – but… it appears that… I might just be – on balance – happy…

POD:	That explains that thing you’re doing with your mouth. 

JEMIMA:	What? Smiling?

POD:	Yeah, stop it. It’s horrible. 

JEMIMA:	I don’t think I’ve been this happy in years! I wonder if he’ll keep in touch?

POD:	Well I’ll keep monitoring the frequencies, Jemima. As long as he’s using FM then old Pod will hear it. 

JEMIMA:	Thank Pod. How was your night?

POD: 	Oh dreadful. Just dreadful. Do you know that other Pod is stuck on ‘shouting’? Your Pete Thomas can’t be a very good engineer because that’s actually really easy to fix. In fact I’ve got a sneaking suspicion she’s stuck herself in that mode just to wind him up. Its ridiculous! Totally unprofessional! Whatever happened to customer service? That’s what I want to know. I can’t wait to reverse out of here. 

FADE

SCENE 5.

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL… BUT JUST EVER SO SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT.

PETE’S POD:		(SHOUTS) OI! MUSCLES! WHAT YOU DOING?

PETE:				I’m making some notes, Pod. 

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) WHY? USE YOUR MEMORY CARD YOU MORON!

PETE:	Because I want to send Jemima a message and I don’t want to get it wrong…

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) OOOH! YOU FANCY HER DON’T YOU?!

PETE:	Yes. Yes, I do actually. Audio Text Message Recording on please, Pod. 

PETE’S POD:	AUDIO TEXT MESSAGE RECORDING ON YA DWEEB!

PETE:	Hi Jemima, it’s Pete here. Hopefully you remember me from… earlier tonight? Ahahaha.

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) PETE AND JEMIMA SITTING IN A TREE – R. U. T. T. I. N. G. 

PETE:				Can you do something else please, Pod? 

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) SORRY LOVER BOY! DON’T WANT TO CRAMP YOUR STYLE! I’LL JUST GO AND QUIETLY RUN SOME DIAGNOSTICS.

PETE:				You do that. 

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) OK! RUNNING DIAGNOSITICS QUIETLY NOW!

PETE:	So Jemima, I just wanted to get in touch to say I had a really great time.... 

PETE’S POD:		(SHOUTS) DRAINAGE SYSTEM! CHECK! 

PETE:				And that I think you’re really nice…

PETE’S POD:		(SHOUTS) ODOUR EXTRACTOR! CHECK!

PETE:	And I was wondering if, maybe, you might have had a good time too?

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) LATRINE! CLOGGED WITH LOG! IT’S A LEVEL EIGHT!

PETE:				Pod! Go to mute!

PETE’S POD:	(SHOUTS) GOING TO MUTE NOW! MUTE ACTIVATED! BEING MUTE NOW!

PETE:	And… well… I know it’s difficult what with you going to Pluto and me being on my way back from Pluto… but I wondered if you might like to do it again sometime? Perhaps when you get back to Earth? I could take you out for something better to eat than ration packs washed down with moonshine wine made from cooling fluid? Let me know eh? I’d really like that anyway. You can get me on AM 94.6. Good night… Sleep tight… Audio Text Message Recording end and send please Pod. (PAUSE) Pod? (PAUSE) Pod, unmute. 

PETE’S POD:	UNMUTING NOW! SORRY! I WAS BUSY CLEARING THAT UNBELIEVABLE TURD. RECORDING STOPPED. MESSAGE SENT.

PETE:	Thanks Pod. (PAUSE) Pod, when did you end the recording? 

PETE’S POD:		JUST AFTER I SAID: “TURD”

PETE:				God Pod, you’re so glitch! 

END