SCENE 1 – COLD OPEN

F/X:	THE SOUND OF THE INSIDE OF THE INTERNET.

POD:	Down the mainframe, left at the terminal, past the server and, yes… there you are… third router on the right… Here we go then… one… two… three… Aha!

F/X:	THE SOUND OF POD SURFACING FROM THE INTERNET.

HEAD-ED43:			(SCARED) Woah! What the hell are you?! 

POD:				Hello… are you Head-Ed43? 

HEAD-ED43:			Yes I am, mystery monitor face.

POD:				Real name, Edward Higgins? 

HEAD-ED43:			Yes. 

POD:				Edward Higgins of Hitchin? 

HEAD-ED43:	Look who is this? And why are you talking out of my computer port?

POD:	The same Edward Higgins of Hitchin who thinks he’s some sort of social media master? A wonder of the World Wide Web? A terrorising troll hiding under the bridge of social media?

HEAD-ED43:			Who are you?

POD:	Me? Oh I’m no one, Edward… No one at all. Just think of me as the ghost in the machine… But, if you have to call me anything then maybe you can call me: “Please stop electrocuting me, Pod.”

HEAD-ED43:			Why would I call you tha-Argh!!!!!!

F/X:					SOUND OF ELECTROCUTION.

POD:				Say my name! Say my name!

HEAD-ED43:			(PAINED) Why. Are. You. Doing. This?!!

POD:				Well, that’s a story worth telling…

FADE

SCENE 2

JEMIMA: 	(V.O.) Space. The final job before I quit. These are the voyages of UK Space Agency Engineering Pod Number 46. My five-year mission: to explore the ten square metres I’m trapped inside, seek out Pluto and boldly go and switch the lights off. If they’re still on. 

SCENE 3.

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

SPACEBOOK:	Message from Pete Thomas:

PETE:	Had words with your “husband” on Mars. He’s agreed to apply for the divorce papers. Should all be sorted in a few months.  Smiley face. 

F/X: 					TAPPING ON KEYBOARD.

SPACEBOOK:	Message from Jemima Belafonte: 

JEMIMA:	Thanks Pete, that’s really good of you. LOL.

SPACEBOOK:	Message from Pete Thomas:

PETE:	So tell me, what are you planning on doing when you’re a free woman? 

F/X: 					TAPPING ON KEYBOARD.

JEMIMA:	LOL. LOL. Upside down smiley face. 

POD: 	Yo! Jemima! Whatcha doing? I think we’ve gone off course again.

JEMIMA:			(DISTRACTED) Hmm?

POD:				Is that a cerebral cortex jack in your head? 

JEMIMA:			(DISTRACTED) I’ll be with you in a minute.  

POD:				Jemima, are you actually listening to me? 

F/X: 					TAPPING ON KEYBOARD.

JEMIMA:			(DISTRACTED) LOL. Two sugars please, Pod.

POD:				Right, that does it. Powering this down. 

F/X:					POD 46 POWERING DOWN.

JEMIMA:	(LIKE WAKING) Pod? Pod! What’s going on? Why has the power gone down? 

POD:	You were ignoring me, Jemima. I didn’t like it. So now you live in the dark. 

JEMIMA:	Ok, ok… I’m listening now. What did you want? 

POD:	I wanted to know what you were doing that was so distracting you couldn’t even find time to listen to your dear old bestest buddy, Poddy Podmeister McPod. 

JEMIMA:			Oh right. Sorry. I was on Spacebook.

POD:				What in the name of Major Clanger is Spacebook? 

JEMIMA:			Promise not to get mad? 

POD:	I’m already mad Jemima, that’s why you’re sat in the dark. At night. In space. 

JEMIMA:			(EMBARASSED) Hnnnn… It’s social media.  

POD:	Social media?! Oh no Jemima… please don’t be getting involved with social media. It’s illegal. 

JEMIMA:	Not out here it’s not Pod. And besides, Spacebook was created especially for people who are alone, stuck in the empty lawless black void. 

POD:				No way. 

JEMIMA:			Yes way, Pod. 

POD:	But Jemima! You can’t! You just can’t. You know social media is illegal for a reason. 

JEMIMA:	Yeah, it’s because they created that cat translator isn’t it? And then all the cats started demanding rights isn’t it? Things like the right not to be objectified in cute social media gifs… 

POD:	In part. That was the just the tip of the iceberg.

JEMIMA:	Yeah because then the cats got the vote and all hell broke lose… Milk subsidies, extensive fishing, the nuclear war with Denmark, the closure of 80% of the Internet… This is all first grade stuff, Pod.

POD:	Yes, but the other reason is because you jack directly into social media via a very subtle brain feed. It fries your noggin. There have been studies… Your brain after one month on social media is more damaged than a bare foot on 3am Lego. 

JEMIMA:	I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that, Pid. 

POD:	You just called me “Pid.” 

JEMIMA:	Eh?

POD:	I just don’t see what people get out of it. Seems like a massive timesuck to me. 

JEMIMA:	Nah, it’s fun.

POD:	Really? Come on… tell me what’s so fun about Spacebook?

JEMIMA:	Well, people talk to each other… Before you interrupted I was chatting to Pete. 

POD:	Pete Thomas? Why would you chat to him over Spacebook? You could have used the comm. 

JEMIMA:			Because on Spacebook it’s more private. 

POD:	What on earth would you have to talk about that’s private? Is it naughty? 

JEMIMA:	Moving on…

POD:	Alright. What else do people do on it?

JEMIMA:			They post up pictures. 

POD:	Oooh! I like pictures! Power up! Let’s have a look… 

F/X:					POD 46 POWERING UP.

JEMIMA:	Ok, but you have to remember these are all pictures taken from people who work in space… 

POD:	Sounds great to me. I love space. Let’s have a gander. Oooh now… that’s nice. That’s very nice. Wonderful stuff… The darkness, the void, the unending nocturnity… That one’s especially good.

JEMIMA:			Which one?

POD:	That one. The one with all the black. They’ve really captured the infinity haven’t they? D’you know, that’s so very, very black that I suspect they’ve touched it up a little. 

JEMIMA:			Nope… it’s says “hash tag no filter”. 

POD:	So people are always honest on Spacebook are they? 

JEMIMA:	Well maybe not… 

POD:	Interesting…

JEMIMA:	Look Pod, I know what you’re worried about. You’re worried about me getting addicted to social media like all those people did hundred of years ago aren’t you? Zombifying in front of the screen, desperately seeking the approval of others and constantly fighting off a barrage of aloe vera pyramid scheme marketing promotions… But I know what I’m doing – those people were like Neanderthals compared to the sophistication of a 22nd Century woman like me. I know what I’m doing. I know where to draw the line. I know who I am… And I’m drowning… drowning… drowning in a sea… of really… cute… illegal… cat… gifs… (SOFT CHOMPING NOISE)

POD:				Jemima! Jemima!

JEMIMA;			(LIKE WAKING) Yes Pid? 

POD:	Jemima, I’m not quite sure what’s going on but the speaking noise from your traphole just got slower and slower until you eventually stopped blathering altogether. 

JEMIMA:			Nahhh.

POD:	Yahhh. It was horrible. Your jaw kept grinding and grinding… Jemima, you’re jacked in right now aren’t you? Jacked in to the max. I blame myself. I’ve been far too busy lately researching the etymology of the word “baguette”. 

JEMIMA:	I’m not jacked in, Pod. I’m fine… I’m better… than fine… when… I have… story… update… (SOFT CHOMPING NOISE)

POD:	Jemima. I know you think you’re fine and that you’re having conversations, but actually you’re just making a really unsightly pool of drool.

JEMIMA:			(DROWSY) You just don’t get it, Pod. 

POD:	I don’t get it? Me? Old Poddy Podmeister McPod? A computer capable of doing at least three separate tasks a nanosecond? Come on then… Show me something you can do on this Spacebook. Show me what’s so hip and cool. 

JEMIMA:			Alright, I’ll update my status.

POD:				What’s a status? 

JEMIMA:			It’s like telling people what you’re up to. 

POD:	But why use Spacebook for that? I can tell people what I’m up to using comm, UK Space Agency Insta-Message, Email, text or fax. And no matter which medium I use, no one gives a fat damn. And that’s me we’re talking about. Poddy Podmeister McPod. The hippest coolest one there is.
JEMIMA:	Yeah but this is different, Pod. This is letting everyone know. Right now. On Spacebook.

POD:	Go on then. Tell the world what you’re doing right now. 

JEMIMA:			Ok. Spacebook.

SPACEBOOK:		Yes Jemima. What would you like me to do?

POD:				Oooh the cuckoo speaks! And it sounds silky!

JEMIMA:			Update status. 

SPACEBOOK:		Status open and awaiting update. 

JEMIMA:			Status begins: Having argument with Pod, LOL.

POD:	You can leave me out of it for a start! There are privacy laws you know?

JEMIMA:	Ok then… Spacebook, scrub that. 

SPACEBOOK:	Status scrubbed and awaiting update.

JEMIMA:	New status update: Staring into the infinite. Again. LOL. 

SPACEBOOK:		Status updated. Responses received. 

POD:				Blimey! That was quick. 

JEMIMA:	We work in space Pod, there’s nothing else to do out here. 
POD:				Ok then, play some of the responses. 

SPACEBOOK:	Responses received as follows. Pete Thomas says...

PETE THOMAS:		LOL. X-O-X-O-X. 

POD:				Urgh.

SPACEBOOK:	Gluegirl103 says:

GLUEGIRL103:		You go girl!

SPACEBOOK:	Hungryfisherman12 says:

HUNGRYFISHERMAN12:	You so beautiful. 

SPACEBOOK:	PC Dickson Bravo Juliet says: 

PC DICKSON:	This is illegal you know Jemima. Winky face. Winky face.

SPACEBOOK:	Peanut says: 

CAT1:				Meow. 

SPACEBOOK:	Mittens says: 

CAT2:				Meow. 

SPACEBOOK:	Mr Roboto says: 

CAT3:				Meow. 

POD:				What were they? 

JEMIMA:			Cat gifs. 

POD:				Ah. 

SPACEBOOK:	Head-Ed43 says:

HEAD-ED43:	You fugly. I r glad you trapped in space. Your podcast sucks, and by podcast, I mean your Spacebook profile. Not sure why I said podcast. Fugly!

POD:				Hang on, what was that? 

JEMIMA:			What was what? 

POD:				That last one. 

JEMIMA:			Oh don’t worry about it. You get those… 

POD:				Was that a… a… (ENRAGED) a TROLL?!

JEMIMA:			What’s a troll?

POD:	It’s an old fashioned term for someone who spends their entire life needling at someone trying to get a reaction. Can you imagine such a thing?

JEMIMA:	Well, yes actually… 

POD:	People like that are scum. I won’t stand for it. Not when it comes to my bestest bud Jemima.

JEMIMA:	(RESIGNED) Ah what can you do about it? Best just ignore it and get on with life.

POD:	Ignore it? Ignore it?! Never! Never ever! I’m going in. 

JEMIMA:			What? But Pid, you can’t!

POD:	Oh can’t I? Me? Pod. Poddy Podmeister McPod. The nifty navigator of the dark web… The Firewall Thumper. The AI that has committed massive electoral fraud on seventeen separate occasions. I can do anything. ANYTHING! Although admittedly I’ll probably die doing it. 

F/X:		POD JACKING IN.

JEMIMA:	Pod! But if you die then I’ll die! You can’t leave me to die! I’d be dead! 

POD:				Jem. The needs of the many outweigh…

JEMIAM:			The needs of the few?

POD:	Or the one. Jemima, I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long. Get a haircut. 

JEMIMA:			SPAAACEBOOOOOOOOK!!!!

F/X:					POD 46 POWERING DOWN.

FADE

SCENE 4.

F/X:	THE SOUND OF THE INSIDE OF THE INTERNET.

POD:	Up the bracket, pass the earth wall, water wall and air wall… Surf the wifi and I should be in the handheld device of… 

SNEAKY:	Arghh!

POD:	Wotcha! Are you Sneaky-wobbler-thumbs-up-smiley-face? 

SNEAKY:			Yeah, so what if I am? Get of my screen.

POD:	Are you the one who called my friend Jemima a spud lady? 

SNEAKY:			Might be. I call a lot of people a lot of stuff. 

POD:				That’s all I need to know. I’m going to fry you now. 

SNEAKY:			You’re going to wha… Arghh!

F/X:					SOUND OF ELECTROCUTION.

POD:				Say my name! 

SNEAKY:			(PAIN) You. Never. Told. Me. Your. Name

FADE

SCENE 5.

F/X:					COMM RINGS. COMM ANSWERED.

JOHN:	Hello UK Space Agency Command and Control, John speaking, how can I help? 

JEMIMA:			(EXHAUSTED) John, it’s me. 

JOHN:	Jemima. That’s odd. The call didn’t come up as Pod 46’s call signature? The only way to do that is by dialling manually via the old analogue… 

JEMIMA:			That’s… what I did. 

JOHN:	But Jemima, that’s a two thousand-digit number… 

JEMIMA:	I know. It’s taken three days and my finger really hurts. 

JOHN:	But why dial manually? What’s wrong with Pod? 

JEMIMA:			I think I’ve lost him. 

JOHN:			Lost him how? 

JEMIMA:			Promise not to get mad? 

JOHN:			No. 

JEMIMA:	(EMBARRASSED) Hnnnn… He’s jacked into Spacebook. 
JOHN:	Spacebook! But Jemima! That’s illegal. If the new CEO, Captain Whiskers, hears of this we’ll both be for it! We have to get him out of there…

JEMIMA:	I know, that’s why I’m ringing. 

JOHN:	What’s he’s doing in there?

JEMIMA:	Well, when he found out about trolls he immediately jacked in. 

JOHN:	Looking for people to troll? 

JEMIMA:			What? Why would Pod troll people? 

JOHN:			Is that not kind of his thing?

JEMIMA:	I think he’s hunting down the trolls and then using a back door relay breaker in the cerebral cortex jack to electrocute them. 

JOHN:			How do you know that?

JEMIMA:			He talks in his sleep… Listen…

POD:	(FAINT) Say my name, Troll!  Say my name! (BUZZING) Ahhh… Justice. 

JEMIMA:	The thing is he’s getting fainter and fainter. I’m really worried about him. I think he might be getting further and further away… What if he goes too deep? What if he dies? We need to get Pod back. 
JOHN:	But Jemima, there’s so much internet to look through. It’s as big as the jungle and jungle is massive. Let’s just wait. I’m sure he’ll surface. 

JEMIMA:	But I want Pod back now… 

JOHN:	I could kick in the Emergency Back Up Pod?

JEMIMA:	It wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be Pod. 

JOHN:	And you’re certain that wouldn’t ultimately be a good thing?

JEMIMA:	I want my Pod back! I’ve been sitting alone in the dark for days. Please come home, Pod. Please... I’m so alone… I miss you… I miss you so much. 

POD:	(ZINGY) Honey, I’m home! So Jemima, you missed me? Your bestest buddy, Poddy Podmeister McPod?

JEMIMA:	You weren’t supposed to hear that. 

POD:	But I did. And it sounded sweet. Just like honey. 

JEMIMA:	Where have you been?

POD:	Electrocuting scumbags. It’s great fun. I’ve fried hundreds of them. Smelled sweet. Like honey. 

JEMIMA:	Pod, that’s terrifying. 

POD:	You think that’s terrifying? You should see your first profile picture. You fugly. 
SCENE 6 – DEEP EMPTY SPACE

F/X:					SPACEBOOK BEEPS AND BOOPS

SPACEBOOK:	One moment please podcast listener. Updating your position, current licensing agreement and sequencing your DNA to the private Spacebook servers. Changing location to where Pod and Jemima would have been if they had stayed on course. New incoming status update from ‘Pod Zero’

F/X:	POD ZERO BRAKES AS IT APPROACHES THE RENDEZVOUS POINT

POD ZERO:	(Upset, getting a little angry) Where the…?! But… But I was so sure they were going to be…here. We were going to rendezvous! We were going to dock! Shock it! Just shock it all!! It’s… it’s enough to drive a ‘Supply Pod’ mad. Mad I say… 

(Growling menace and anger) Yaaaaaa
	
You know, when I find those two....

...I’m going to murderise them.