POD TO PLUTO

Series 2

Episode 5 – Those Were The Days

Written by

Peter Richard Adams

SCENE 1.

JEMIMA: 	(V.O.) Space. The final job before I quit. These are the voyages of UK Space Agency Engineering Pod Number 46. My five-year mission: to explore the ten square metres I’m trapped inside, seek out Pluto and boldly go and switch the lights off. If they’re still on. 

FADE

SCENE 2.

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

MUM:	… So when do you think you’ll be back? That sack of offal in the pantry is really starting to hum. I’m thinking about getting a canary to send in ahead of me…

JEMIMA:	I told you mum, I won’t be back for another three years or so. 

MUM:	Right… right… And you’re sure you can’t pick it up at the weekend? It’s just it’s making my flowers wilt and Gordon says the stench is really playing up his elbow. 

JEMIMA:			No mum I really can’t! I’m stuck in deep space!

MUM:	It’s such a waste… And you still haven’t paid me for the raffle tickets… 

JEMIMA:			But I didn’t want them in the first place! 

MUM:				Don’t be ungrateful Jemima. 

JEMIMA:	Fine, fine, I’ll pay you when I get back. With the amount of overtime I’m clocking up I should have a few dollars to spare. 

F/X:					COMM ENDS ABRUPTLY.

POD:				Call terminated. 

JEMIMA:			Pod! I was talking to my mum!

POD:	I know. It was dreadfully boring and very distracting given that good things happening! 

JEMIMA:			What’s happening Pod?

POD:				Good things! Good things!

JEMIMA:			What good things?

POD:				Well for starters – I’m back!

JEMIMA:			Back from where? 

POD:				Holiday. 

JEMIMA:			You’ve been on holiday?

POD:				Yes of course. 

JEMIMA:			Are you sure? 

POD:	Yes! I’ve been on vacation for a fortnight… Surely you noticed that you’ve been talking to Emergency Back Up Pod for the last 12 days?

JEMIMA:	Nope. But, now you come to mention it I did think you were being a bit…

POD:				What?

JEMIMA:			Well… a bit… no, it doesn’t matter.

POD:				You can say it, Jemima. 

JEMIMA:			Efficient? 

POD:	Good. That means he’s been doing his job. But it’s always the same when you leave someone else in charge isn’t it? Things are never quite how you want them to be. I’d better run a quick diagnostic. 

JEMIMA:			How long will that…

POD:				Done. 

JEMIMA:			Oh. Is everything ok? 

POD:	Yeah. Looks like the Emergency Back Up Pod has been really quite efficient. He’s even had a go at getting that dead owl from the water tank. 

JEMIMA:			How can you go on holiday anyway, Pod? 

POD:	Same way I do anything, Jemima. I just download back home then go have a mooch around the mainframes. It was great. I especially enjoyed the Totnes Cardboard Museum. Very interesting museum that. It’s about cardboard. 

JEMIMA:			Totnes? 

POD:				Yeah, what of it? 

JEMIMA:			You’ve been in Devon? 

POD:	For a bit. It’s very nice. Spent a couple of days with some old friends. 

JEMIMA:			Which old friends?

POD:				Oh you know. Folks. 

JEMIMA:			Was it Graham? 

POD:				No! 

JEMIMA:			Was it John?

POD:				John who exactly?

JEMIMA:	Let’s skip the games Pod or I’ll carry out a manual override and replace you with the Emergency Back Up Pod. Forever. 

POD:				Skipping the games now, boss. 

JEMIMA:			Why is John in Devon?

POD:				He lives there with Graham now. On a lovely farm.

JEMIMA:	Damn it, Pod. I do wish you’d stop spending so much time with my ex. 

POD:	They’re my friends too, Jemima. Just because you dumped Graham doesn’t mean we can’t be chums. 

JEMIMA:			He dumped me! What time is it anyway?

POD:				8.30am

JEMIMA:	Urgh… Still so much day left… I had hoped that talking to mum would kill a couple of hours. 

POD:	No time for that Jemima! Good things happening! I 
have some news and I thought you might think it was important.

JEMIMA:			Is something wrong?

POD:	Not exactly. I just thought you might want to call into the office early this morning is all. 
					
JEMIMA:			Why?

POD:	Because they published the details of the big restructure last night. 

JEMIMA:			What restructure?

POD:				You know! The big restructure that is both 
“challenging but exciting because change is nothing to fear.” That restructure.

JEMIMA:	No I don’t know. 

POD:	It’s all that everyone’s been talking about for weeks. 

JEMIMA:			Well no one’s been talking to me about it. 

POD:				Oh. 

JEMIMA:			Oh?

POD:	Well maybe that’s not so good. But all the more reason to be in the office early this morning... Make a good impression, that sort of thing.

JEMIMA:	Pod, I’m trapped in my office for five years. I’m always at work! 

F/X: 					COMMUNICATOR RINGS. 

POD:	Hang on, I’m getting a message through from Command & Control. 

JEMIMA:			Answer it, then. 

F/X: 					COMMUNICATOR IS ANSWERED.

JOHN:			(D) Morning Jemima!

JEMIMA:			John, why are you calling me so early?

JOHN:			(D) Because I’m in the office early. 

JEMIMA:			And why are you in the office so early?

JOHN:			(D) I’m trying to make a good impression. 

JEMIMA:			Because of the big restructure? 

JOHN:	(D) Good. That means I don’t have to break the bad news to you. 

JEMIMA:			Bad news?

JOHN:			(D) Did I say “bad”?

JEMIMA:			Yes. 

JOHN:	(D) Are you sure I didn’t say “challenging but exciting because change is nothing to fear” news?

JEMIMA:			I’m pretty certain you didn’t.

JOHN:	(D) Well let’s just pretend I did. It’ll make the next few minutes a lot easier. 

JEMIMA:	What’s the “challenging but exciting news because change is nothing to fear”, John?

JOHN:	(D) Ah well it’s funny you should ask that Jemima, as that’s exactly the reason I’m calling. You see there’s going to be a big restructure!

JEMIMA:			Get on with it.

JOHN:	(D) And as part of that it turns out there are going to be some job losses. 

JEMIMA:			Job losses?!

JOHN:	(D) But it’s nothing to worry about because –  “challenging but exciting because change is nothing to fear”-time! – your job has been ring fenced!

JEMIMA: 	Ring fenced? You mean I might have to re-interview for my own job? That’s shocking ridiculous. I’m at work all the time… 

JOHN:	(D) Yes well, that may be part of the problem. You’re very expensive.

JEMIMA:			Expensive? How?

JOHN:			(D) Well you do clock up a lot of overtime… 

JEMIMA:	That’s because you sent me on this stupid five year mission which has me trapped at work all the time! 

JOHN:	(D) Look Jemima, it’s all bottom line stuff. They’re looking at the balance sheet and you cost a lot. So they ring fenced you.

JEMIMA:			Ring fenced me against who?

JOHN:			(D) Just the one other candidate. 

JEMIMA:			Who?

JOHN:			(D) Pete Thomas.

JEMIMA:	Remind me who that is again?

POD:	Really Jemima, I wish you’d pay more attention to your co-workers. Pete Thomas is the chap who was on the Pluto run before you. 

JEMIMA:	Him?! But isn’t he the incompetent who left the light on in the first place? How is that fair? 

JOHN:	(D) Well it’s like for like and you’re the only two clocking up bags of overtime on the Pluto run. 

JEMIMA:	Fine… when are we due to hear the “challenging but exciting because change is nothing to fear” results of this big restructure? 

JOHN:			(D) Today I think.

JEMIMA:			Today?!

JOHN:	(D) Yup. Anyhow, I’d love to chat but I’ve got work to do.

JEMIMA:			John!

F/X: 					COMMUNICATOR SWITCHES OFF.

POD:	I told you Jemima – you want to make a good impression. Like me. 

JEMIMA:	You?

POD:	Yes me. I’ve been writing a useful report about all the ways cardboard could save money and increase productivity. I’ve also been sending cute cat gifs to the bosses. 

JEMIMA:			Why?

POD:	I thought they might like them. After all, I don’t want to end up getting ring fenced. 

JEMIMA:	They’re not going to ring fence you Pod, you’re hardware. 

POD:	Way to make a girl feel special, Jemima. What’s the big problem with being ring fenced anyway? 

JEMIMA:	(ANGRY) Because there’s a 50% chance that I’m going to lose my job, Pod. 

POD:	But I thought you hated your job and couldn’t wait for it to end.

JEMIMA:	Oh yes… Yes… So I do. (HAPPIER) There’s a 50% chance that I’m going to lose my job, Pod! (HAPPIER STILL) There’s a 50% chance that I’m going to lose my job, Pod!!!

POD:				Ooh bummer. 

JEMIMA:	And if I lose my job then we can turn round and I can go home. This is amazing news! Why didn’t I think of finding a way to lose my job before?! I could have committed gross misconduct ages ago… spent every day naked, acted disrespectfully to the boss or abused the company equipment.

POD:				I see you think this is good. 

JEMIMA:			I do. 

POD:	Well done, but it isn’t. Firstly you do all those things anyway and you’ve never lost your job for it. Second, nothing you could possibly do is going to get us turned around. This is a semi-automated mission. We’re still going and we can’t go back until it’s complete. 

JEMIMA:			So I still have to do the job whatever?

POD:				Yeah. 

JEMIMA:			(DOWN) Ah shock it… 

POD:				Still, on the bright side…

JEMIMA:			What bright side?

POD:				If you lose your job you can go on holiday!

JEMIMA:			Where to? 

POD:				Pluto! With me. It’ll be fun. And…

JEMIMA:			And?

POD:	All the time you have off will give you plenty of time to apply for other jobs. 

JEMIMA:			But I like this job!

POD:				Do you really though, Jemima?

JEMIMA:	No. But I did like the knowledge that I was racking up a load of cash so that when I got back I could do something interesting with my life. 

POD:				Like what?

JEMIMA:	Like spend it. Ah shock it. I give up. I’m not going to be like all you other losers sucking up and trying to impress. If I’m in the firing line then I’m gonna stick it to the man! Now, how can I show that I really don’t give a shock about my job?

POD:				We could play some games on company time?

JEMIMA:	Yeah, I’m up for that. What do you have in mind?

POD:				Fancy a game of Guess Who?

JEMIMA:			Sure. 

POD:				Ok… I’m Elvis Presley. 

JEMIMA:			That’s not how Guess Who works, Pod. 

POD:	Why not? I got the answer right. One point to me. Go Pod. 

JEMIMA:	Yes, please go Pod. 

POD:	Well this isn’t working… I suppose you could consider doing some work?

JEMIMA:			What work?

POD:				You know. Work. 

JEMIMA:	But there is no work to do until we arrive at Pluto. We’re going to have to come up with something better than that if I’m going to stick it to the man.

POD:	Exactly! You’ve not done any work in the best part of two years. Surely the last thing the man is expecting is for you to give any sort of damn… If you suddenly became productive it might really throw a spanner in the man’s plans to get rid of you. 

JEMIMA:	I suppose that has a perverse sort of logic to it. What do you suggest?

POD:	Oh come on, Jemima. We can make anything into work. All we’ve got to do is Anti-Gamefy. 

JEMIMA:			Anti-Gamefy? 

POD:	Yeah! Let’s take all those things we like to be fun each day and, instead of keeping them fun, make them mundane. 

JEMIMA:			How?

POD:	Well Jemima, it’s like this. In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and snap! Break its neck. Then that job is work. 

JEMIMA:			For example?

POD:				Brushing your teeth. You know how you like to do 
each tooth separately and call them different names?

JEMIMA:			I don’t.

POD:	Yes you do. There’s Mrs Molar. Spuggy. Captain Fats. Andy McNabb. 

JEMIMA:			Ok. I do do that.

POD:	Well, let’s do exactly the same. But let’s make it less fun. By Anti-Gamefying it! 

JEMIMA:			So how do I do that? 

POD:	Well for starters take the brush. 

JEMIMA:	Ok.

POD:	Put on the toothpaste. 

JEMIMA:	Yeah. 

POD:	And now… clean your teeth. 

F/X: 		TEETH BEING CLEANED. 

JEMIMA:			It’s not much fun. 

POD:				Work isn’t supposed to be fun. 

JEMIMA:			I’m bored of this. I’m not doing it anymore. 

POD:	Ok then, let’s do another Anti-Gamefying work thing. Let’s have a chat in the canteen. 

JEMIMA:			We don’t have one. 

POD:				Around the water cooler? 

JEMIMA:			Or one of them. 

POD:				By the tap?

JEMIMA:			Ok. 

F/X: 		TAP DRIPPING. 

POD:				What did you do last night?

JEMIMA:			You know what I did. 

POD:				Jemima, take this seriously.

JEMIMA:			Fine. I watched Pride And Prejudice. Again. 

POD:				Any good? 

JEMIMA:	Yeah. It was the one where D’Arcy comes out the water and I don’t mind telling you that I got a bit… 

POD:	(INTERUPTING) Please don’t tell me! It’s inappropriate. That sort of talk could lead to you losing your job. 

JEMIMA:			Oh. 

POD:				Let’s Anti-Gamefy breakfast. 

JEMIMA:			Cool. 

POD:	But not like normal. Don’t go letting the soldiers storm the boiled egg.

JEMIMA:			But how else will they gain supremacy? 

POD:	They wont! That’s the whole point. We’re simply going to eat the boiled egg. 

JEMIMA:			But that’s so boring!

POD:	Of course it’s boring Jemima. We’re working. Working hard. The man isn’t going to know what hit him!

FADE

SCENE 3.

F/X: 					JEMIMA HITTING HER BUNK. 

JEMIMA:	Well I’m exhausted! Who knew work could be so tiring?

POD: 	Not me. But then I don’t get tired. I’m a super trooper. 

JEMIMA:	Do you think we’ve done enough? To stick it to the man, I mean? Really show him who’s boss up here?

POD:				Well, no. 

JEMIMA:			No?

POD:				No. You were made redundant three hours ago. 

JEMIMA:			What?! Why didn’t you tell me?

POD:	Because you were so busy not enjoying yourself and having a really bad time that I didn’t want to spoil it. 

JEMIMA:			So that’s it then? I’m out of work? 

POD:				Yup. 

JEMIMA:			But still trapped in here? 

POD:				Yup. 

JEMIMA:	With the mission to complete successfully before the automation allows me to go home? 

POD:				Yup. 

JEMIMA:			And not getting paid?

POD:	Yup. Looks like it, but at least the trip will keep you busy. After all, there’s nothing worse than feeling redundant. 

END