POD

XMAS SPECIAL

The Night Before Christmas Day

Written by

Peter Richard Adams

SCENE 1.

JEMIMA:                             (V.O.) Space. The final job before I quit. Ho ho ho.These are the voyages of UK Space Agency Engineering Pod Number 46. Ho ho ho. My five- year mission: to explore the ten square metres I’m trapped inside, seek out Pluto and boldly go and switch the lights off. If they’re still on. Ho, ho, ho.

FADE

SCENE 2.

F/X:                                               THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR
OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

F/X:                                               SLEIGH BELLS AND A CLANK.

JEMIMA:                             Pod, what was that noise? POD:                                  It’s not Santa.
JEMIMA:                             Why would it be Santa?

POD:                                  Because it’s Christmas Eve and Santa won’t be here until tonight!

JEMIMA:                             Is it really? Wow… I’d actually forgotten. What was the noise then, if it wasn’t Santa?
POD:                                  I think the exhaust might be falling off. We’ve missed about two services so far.

JEMIMA:                             Oh no.

POD:                                  Don’t worry, I’m sure we can survive without it… So, let’s talk about something important. What are you getting me for Christmas?

JEMIMA:                             Nothing, Pod.
POD:                                  That’s excellent because I got you nothing too. JEMIMA:                             Great, that’s made tomorrow morning a lot less

awkward. What shall we do next?

POD:                                  Would you like me to break out the emergency party popper?

JEMIMA:                             No, I think we should save that for after dinner tomorrow.

POD:                                  Understood. As it happens I have news on the

Christmas dinner front. JEMIMA:                             What’s that?
POD:                                  There is no Christmas dinner. The supply relay hasn’t turned up and won’t do until Boxing Day. So you’re on breakfast cereal and desiccated coconut all day.

JEMIMA:                             Marvellous… Shocking marvellous…
POD:                                  Would you like me to play the sound of a roaring fire?

JEMIMA:                             Why would I want that?

POD:                                  I don’t know. People seem to like that at

Christmas. JEMIMA:                             No, Pod.
POD:                                  I could make all the lights twinkle in a Christmassy way?

JEMIMA:                             Actually yeah. Ok. Why not… That sounds nice. POD:                                  Done.
JEMIMA:                             It doesn’t look that Christmassy, Pod?

POD:                                  Well to really get the benefit you’d have to be on the outside of the ship.

JEMIMA:                             But if I went outside the ship I’d suffocate. POD:                                  Why?
JEMIMA:                             Because I need air to live. POD:                                  No way! Is that really a thing?
JEMIMA:                             Yes, Pod. It’s a real thing that humans need.

POD:                                  Well that explains all the circuitry I have dedicated to air filtration. It’s a good thing you mentioned it because I’ve been a bit lazy on that front recently… explains why you’ve been sleeping so much. I was going to dump that software during my next update.

JEMIMA:                             Please don’t do that.

POD:                                  Ok I won’t. And don’t you go outside either. You’ll just have take my word about the lights. But believe me, if anyone was passing by, they would know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s Christmas in here. We are lit up like a council estate in November.

JEMIMA:                             So, what shall we do now?

POD:                                  I don’t know. What else do people do at

Christmas? JEMIMA:                             Eat…
POD:                                  Desiccated coconut? JEMIMA:                             Drink…
POD:                                  The last can of beer is holding the exhaust together?

JEMIMA:                             Have arguments…

POD:                                  What did you say about me? JEMIMA:                             Not now, Pod.
POD:                                  Ok, let’s not argue at Christmas. JEMIMA:                             Send cards…
POD:                                  Well we received the post relay last week and

there were no cards. Unless one got mixed up with the spam mailers that you didn’t open.

JEMIMA:                             I suppose I could check that. POD:                                  Do it! Do it! Do it!
JEMIMA:                             Nope, nothing here. No cards anyway. Although this looks interesting.

POD:                                  What is it?

JEMIMA:                             It’s a spam mailer about helping to combat loneliness at Christmas.

POD:                                  Do people get lonely at Christmas then? JEMIMA:                             Oh yes.
POD:                                  Why?

JEMIMA:                             Well is suppose it’s a time of year that’s always centred on families, so when you haven’t got yours around you, you feel it.

POD:                                  Will you be feeling lonely Jemima? JEMIMA:                             I’m always feeling lonely, Pod.
POD:                                  Well, we can’t have that. I’m going to make sure this is the best Christmas ever!

JEMIMA:                             Really Pod?! The best Christmas ever?!

POD:                                  No. Not a chance. You’re two hundred thousand miles from home and this is just the first of half a decade’s worth of Christmases you’re going to spend, completely alone, with only me for company. And I’m not even alive!

JEMIMA:                             That’s hardly the spirit of Christmas, Pod. POD:                                  What on earth is Christmas all about anyway?
JEMIMA:                             What, really? You don’t know what Christmas is about?

POD:                                  Not a clue.

JEMIMA:                             Well then Pod, sit back and relax because I’m going to tell you the greatest story ever told! It all started over two thousand years ago when Mary, a young woman from…

FADE
SCENE 3

JEMIMA:                             … And that’s the story of the first Christmas. POD:                                  You’re f***** kidding?
JEMIMA:                             No Pod, that’s what Christmas is about. POD:                                  But that was a dreadful story!
JEMIMA:                             It’s the Nativity, Pod. POD:                                  You tell kids this stuff? JEMIMA:                             Yes.
POD:                                  You’re sick. JEMIMA:                             Why?
POD:                                  Three quarters of the way through the firstborn son of everyone got murdered.

JEMIMA:                             Ah yeah… I suppose people do tend to overlook that bit…

POD:                                  Where was Santa? JEMIMA:                             He’s not part of it. POD:                                  Where was Rudolf?
JEMIMA:                             He’s not part of it either.
POD:                                  Elves? JEMIMA:                             Not part of it.
POD:                                  Did Jesus build a snowman? JEMIMA:                             Unlikely.
POD:                                  Was their snow? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Snow on snow? JEMIMA:                             No and no.
POD:                                  Snow on snow on snow? JEMIMA:                             No and no and no.
POD:                                  A poor man gathering winter fuel in the snow? JEMIMA:                             There was no snow.
POD:                                  Why was there no snow?

JEMIMA:                             It doesn’t snow much in the Middle East. POD:                                  Was there a decorated tree in the stable? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Then where did the Three Kings put their presents?

JEMIMA:                             I don’t know.

POD:                                  Did they eat turkey? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Yule log? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Mince Pies? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Mulled wine? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Was anyone visited by any ghosts? JEMIMA:                             Not at all.
POD:                                  A Grinch? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  A Victorian urchin? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Did they sing carols? JEMIMA:                             Not at all.

POD:                                  Christmas hits? Mud? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Hymns? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Not even hymns? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Seriously? They didn’t go to church? At

Christmas? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Did they watch Morecambe & Wise? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  The Two Ronnies? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  Queen’s speech? JEMIMIA:                            No.
POD:                                  Did anyone send anyone else a Christmas card? JEMIMA:                             No.
POD:                                  A birthday card? JEMIMA:                             No no no.
POD:                                  Jemima, this Christmas of yours is absolutely pants!

JEMIMA:                             It might seem pants Pod, but all the same, that’s where Christmas comes from.

POD:                                  Well I don’t care for it at all. I prefer the version of Christmas where you get a Santa. Why couldn’t a Santa have been in the Jesus story? A Santa would’ve made it much cooler.

JEMIMA:                             He came later. 
POD:                                  How much later? JEMIMA:                             About 2000 years later.
POD:                                  So did Santa never even meet Jesus? JEMIMA:                             No Pod, because he doesn’t exist.
POD:                                  Jesus doesn’t exist?! Then why the hell are you all going out of your way to celebrate his birth once a year? That is nuts.

JEMIMA:                             No… Santa doesn’t exist. POD:                                  I think you’ll find he does.
JEMIMA:                             I assure you on this one, Pod. He doesn’t.

POD:                                  Well we can agree to disagree. But I believe in Father Christmas. Which is why in the morning I will have a Satsuma and you will have nothing but Shredded Wheat. And desiccated coconut.

JEMIMA:                             I like Shredded Wheat. POD:                                  Covered in exhaust beer?
JEMIMA:                             Why would I pour exhaust beer on my Shredded

Wheat?

POD:                                  We’re out of milk.

JEMIMA:                             This Christmas keeps getting worse.

POD:                                  Not for me. I’m going to have a sweet Satsuma in the morning.

JEMIMA:                             What would you do with a Satsuma?

POD:                                  I don’t know. Just look at it I suppose. It’s the thought that counts. And I would know that it came from a Santa. Who is ace.

JEMIMA:                             What do you want to bet? POD:                                  How about oxygen supply?
JEMIMA:                             No Pod, let’s not gamble with life support again.

Let’s say Santa comes and leaves you a

Satsuma… If that happens then I’ll oil you.
POD:                                  Mmmmmmmm… Ace. And what if he doesn’t come? Which he will because he does exist and he loves me and I’m definitely on the Good List. What do you want from me?

JEMIMA:                             I think I’ll just accept your shame at being taken in by a children’s story.

POD:                                  Deal!

JEMIMA:                             I think that’s about enough for one Christmas Eve, Pod. I’m going to go to bed.

POD:                                  Ok Jemima, sleep well. JEMIMA:                             Sleep well, Pod. Oh and Pod? POD:                                  Yes?
JEMIMA:                             This has already been the worst Christmas ever. POD:                                  Awww thanks. I did my best.
JEMIMA:                             I know. And it really sucked. POD:                                  Fa lah la la la lah...
FADE
SCENE 4

F/X:                                               RUSTLING SHEETS.

POD:                                  Good morning Jemima! And Happy Christmas! JEMIMA:                             Mmmmm… Happy Christmas, Pod. Pod?
POD:                                  Yes?

JEMIMA:                             Where did these Satsumas come from?

F/X:                                               SLEIGH BELLS AND A CLANK.

END