The History of Everything

PART23: The Event: The Invention of The Internet. The Date 1849

By the middle of the 19th Century; Britain was leading the world in scientific, economic, political and entertainment circles. But a dark cloud loomed on the horizon. People were beginning to form dangerous levels of new opinions…

It was decided by parliament that unless they could find a way to release these opinions in some kind of forum where everybody was either too apathetic or lazy to do anything about it, then the average working fool, god forbid might actual begin to think that they had some kind of power. They also decided that, if this forum could incorporate easier access to pornography; that too would be beneficial.

His neck paid a heavy price for his hat innovations

The legendary Isambard Kingdom Brunel, who had just finished his design work on the world’s biggest hat; was commissioned to build the infrastructure for this new modern wonder of the world. His idea for it was revolutionally and on the morning on June 4th it was presented to the world. He called it the ‘Fantastic Elastic Bombastic Fluorocarbon Plastic Internet’ (a name latter shortened to just ‘The Internet‘). It was a worldwide publicly accessible network of interconnected steam powered devices, which could only run for 40 minutes a day, in black and white and only available to rich, white, powerful old men with beards and a hat.

This of course resulted in a boom time for employment, as thousands of people in each city were soon employed by the giant industrial ‘Internet Factories’, were complicated and powerfully cogs, pulleys, wheels and large metal ‘Internet Spikes’ were all in full operation

Working tirelessly to bring www.goatse.cx to the masses

However; it was also dangerous work and it is believed over five hundred people lost their lives for every web page viewed. Most at risk were the young ‘flap kids’ who were normally aged between 6 and 8. It was because of the small size that they were able to crawl behind the large gauging machines, which at that time were an important part of the internet factory floor. While underneath the machinery, they could then clean up all the ampersands, smileys, full stops, and attachments, which would otherwise clog up the system and bring the internet to a halt. Yet, despite the important job they did; very few lived past the age of 9, and today the practice is all but outlawed, and only used by a few of the more backward ISP’s such as Virgin Media.

Over time, the net continued to grow and with faster and faster speeds, it was soon possible to load a web page in under a weekend. A feat once thought unmanageable in Brunel’s hat obsessed mind. This was followed by all websites we all know and love appearing over the next few years. Amazon was created to sell off bits of the British Empire at knock down prices. Ebay was designed to auction off ugly children who had become an embarrassment to their families and Youtube was all the range with the young people of the day, often filming themselves dancing and miming to the latest ragtime hits by such young stars as ‘Lord Mark Mark Markason’

So next time you’re surfing down the information superhighway. Pull into a cyber pitstop, and think about the great history you’re currently part of. Also a Nigerian businessman who seems to know you really, really well wants to sell you some herbal Viagra and once you’ve paid a thirty thousand pound transfer free, he’ll wire the money straight to your account.

Next time: In Episode 24: We’ll examine how Tokyo coped with the devastating attack by Godzilla in 1954. Possibly by learning from a similar giant ape based attack in 1930’s New York.

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PART 36: The Event: The Great Font War. The Date 1964

Although the great font nations had all been established in the early part of the 20th century. There was still a growing number of small minor conflicts and a dangerous economic and political mistrust between the main two superpowers: ‘Times New Roman’, and ‘Helvetica’. This despite them both having signed a Non-Italic Proliferation treaty a few years before. Things came to a head on the evening on the 24th of April 1964. Finally tiring of ‘Times New Romans‘ elegant lettering, which they assumed was a slur against their own more harsh corners.’ Helvetica‘ began bombing ‘Courier’, who at that time was a strong political ally of ‘Times New Roman’. An emergency meeting was called by the ‘Times New Roman’ congress, where it was immediately agreed they would emboss themselves, and launch a massive land, sea and air attack of all subscript fonts. They would land on the beaches of the occupied ‘Copperplate Light Font’, and push through to the neutral font of ‘Sans Script‘. In turn, cutting off the supply lines which ‘Helvetica‘ had opened up with the fascist font of ‘Wingdings’.

The giant 'Helbotica' killed many in battle

However happy with the way the attack on ‘Courier’ had gone, ‘Helvetica’ turned its attention to the font of ‘Dingbat’, who at the time had more italic characters than any other font on the planet. But it was believed that ‘Helvetica’ had over stretched itself and it became bogged down in guerrilla warfare with ‘Dingbat’, often resulting in many fonts on both sides becoming double underlined.

Meanwhile ‘Times New Roman’, had been joined by the highly trained 2nd Battalion of the ‘Goudy Stout’ font brigade, and had recently made a strong ally in the “Microsoft Office Paperclip” which it had defended from a surprise attack by a rouge selection of bold headings.Together they pushed deep into ‘Helvetica’ and within days had shrunk it to a 6 point font size, shortly this was followed by total surrender.

Indeed, the peaceful and plentiful harmony of fonts that our children enjoy today is all thanks to the brave fonts of yesterday. Nobody will never forget their sacrifice…

Next time: In Episode 37: We’ll look at the day the world stood still, as Ronald McDonald was assassinated. Was ‘Colonel Sanders’ really to blame?

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PART40: The Event: The Building of Rome. The Date: 753BC

It was the archeologist Simon F Tobberlone, who first found the original blueprints and planning applications showing the method of Rome’s construction. A discovery which once and for all proved that Rome was infact, built in a day (actual slightly less than a day if you don’t count the builders mandatory union sanctioned ‘Orgy Break’).

The documents show that the original firm given the task of building the city was the architect firm of Romulus and Remus plc. The plans were rejected a number of times, mainly due to complaints from the neighboring city of Rieti, who claimed that Rome’s instance in using tall columns would block out the sun to Rieti’s decking and patio which had only been laid the previous year. After some minor alterations, the plans were accepted and at 12:01am on the 21st of March, work began on building Rome.

Sadly very little of the grand Roman rollercoaster still stands today

Built largely using concrete, MDF and given an ‘off-white matt’ paint finish, the quick building time was achieved by using a large number of cheap Persian, Greek and Irish builders (which put a great strain on the fledging Roman tea making industry). By early lunchtime they had already built the coliseum, all the major squares, the public bath houses and the impressive grand Roman bowling alley and arcade maximums; neither of which still sadly stand today.

Following what they latter considered was too long a time spent doing a mottled stencil effect around the main senate building. Everybody moved into overdrive, and by the end of the day, they had built the roads, churches, villas, sacrificial log flume and rollercoaster, aqueducts, amphitheatres, bridges and temples. The last piece of MDF was stapled into place at around 11.37pm and taking a few steps the back, the men and women of the great city of Rome and the gods that looked down upon them from high; knew they had built a city worthy of the empire. The greatest city that had ever and will ever, be built.

Then they all went bowling…..

Next time: In Episode 34: We’ll take a look at the first man who ever milked a cow, and ask. What did he actually think he was doing?

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PART48: The Event: Man Doesn’t Land on the Moon. The Date: July 1969

Thankfully, it now seems that everybody agrees that the moon landings were indeed faked. Far too long people have relied on fact and evidence, instead of giving in to the overwhelming amount of hearsay, conjuncture, rumor, scientific ignorance and misunderstandings, which I’m now so glad to see in our modern society. But do you still really know what happened, what the real story is?

The moon landings were actually faked on a soundstage in Area 51, which is co-owned by the illuminati and Freemasons. It was filmed using recovered equipment from the crashed alien spaceship in Roswell and which had been subsequently tested during the Philadelphia experiment. It was shot and directed by John F. Kennedy who had wanted to get into movie making for a long time and had to fake his own assassination a few years earlier in order to go underground and prepare for this role. Other than the so called “Astronauts” the only other people on set were the musicians Elvis and John Lennon. Also present was the British politician Lord Lucan and a young Diana Spencer who happened to be looking after a newborn baby foal called Sherger at the time. They were all there by invitation but had been warned never to divulge the secret of what was happening, least dire consequences be put into action.

Many would fail to see anything wrong with this image.

A few years’ latter people began to doubt the official line and started asking questions like “Why is Elvis always hiding behind a rock on most lunar photographs?” This meant a mass program of brainwashing was needed and this was achieved via barcodes, crop circles, chemtrails and subliminal messages in coca-cola commercials. Ultimately, keeping the public in the dark once again.

However, sometime at the start of the new millennium, an important bunch of movers and thinkers; including a number of people from the knights templar, announced that they finally had concrete proof that the moon landings had been faked. Proof so strong that nobody would be able to doubt it. They announced that this proof would be shown to the worlds press on the morning of September 11th 2001 in New York…

Which as I’m sure you won’t be surprised to learn, was just as Nostradamus had predicted they would over 400 years before…..

Next time: In Episode 49: We’ll be looking at the comical ways people used to try and stay attached to the ground before Newton invented gravity.

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